Not An Update. Really...
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Buy a goat.It's Rocky night and there is stress, and snuggles, and pain, and drugs, and cherry coke, and smalls, and kisses, and confusion, and a boy in a collar that try as I might, I can't seem to keep my eyes off of. It's getting easier as the hours pass, easier to forget that it's there, easier to pretend that I don't notice it and don't care, easier NOT to think about the fact that there's a collar around his throat and I didn't put it there. So a large chunk of me is tempted to go the opposite direction. I've got my cuffs. I've got a collar - not mine, not the velvet, but the three-ring and leather piece that Caleb sometimes wears for me. I could dive into that world, that side of things, and stay there until it's safe to come out again... except for one thing. Even there, his touch melts me, and I don't DARE let him see that part of me when he's not prepared to deal with it and I'm not prepared to deal with HIM... or with rejection. I know damned well that under the circumstances, rejection of that part of me, from him, would shatter a portion of me that I need to stay strong for... yeah. ...and stuff... ...lots of stuff. I want to curl up with a velvet-voiced, dark-eyed dream, listen to him purr for me. I want to be away from this... and I want it to be real... and I want a LONG talk tonight.
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