It's Thursday. I'm supposed to go over and see Slash today, which in theory sounds fun, but which in reality is likely to get VERY uncomfortable. Why is this, you ask?

Simple. Between our mutual miserable timing, my stress level, his stress level, and the fact that I'm in the process of passing another stone... yeah. It's not going to be what either of us want it to be.

He wants me to take out a bit of that 'I want to hurt people' mood on him. I'm not sure I CAN... I have the very persistant notion that if I do, he'll use it as a bargaining chip of sorts to try to push me into black-haired-girl mode... erm, into a highly masochistic mode. Sorry. Someday I'll explain the reference. *wry grin*

I also tend to take that mood out on people that can't escape it. People who have no choice. I LIKE doing that. Doing it to someone completely willing... it's different. It cheapens it. It's like giving me a wine cooler instead of a bottle of vodka - yeah, it still has quite a bit of an effect, but not as much, not as long. I can't pull the memory of it back out later, there's no leftovers. It's a one-shot deal.

The other reason I'm a bit wary of going over there is that he's seriously falling again. Just for the record, let me explain a few things. Slash and I were together for what, a year? It ended VERY badly. I made him miserable, he made me miserable, it was not a good thing. Somehow, he's built it up into this wonderful thing that he wants back... or at least, he wants part of it back.

Me? I want to be friends, fuckbuddies, playmates... but I'm NOT looking for another man to add to my boys. I have Caleb and Kadin, and Nick when he's here... that's my relationship. Those are my MATES. I'm more than willing to fuck other people, play with other people, talk to other people, hang out, hang around, etc... but I'm not opening the doors to any other partners unless they are female.

Why female? Well, among other things, with three men and one woman, some of them men are SOL at any given time. Sucks. Although Nick has his version of Kitten, who incidentally is also called 'kitten'... she keeps him company at times, gives him what I can't, and this is good.

Now if only I can find someone similar for Caleb and/or Kadin... Caleb sort of has Brandy, but it's not enough. He's got a much higher sex drive and much more intelligence than she does, he needs someone better. And Kitten? Eh. I've yet to find a woman who would enjoy him that I would trust with him and who would be willing to join the relationship even as a satellite partner.

I need to go read more poly stuff. It might help me figure this all out.

It's rather frustrating, this whole Slash 'thing'... in part because he's got a very wonderful SO named Megan. Megan is bi, happily so... Megan is beautiful, also happily so, even if she doesn't always believe it. Megan, for the two years since I've been with Slash, has heard all the 'Evil Jax' stories, and now suddenly he's pouting when I'm not around, I'm over so often, and he seems even MORE depressed each time I leave... from her point of view, it's as if I am tearing him apart all over again.

First off, if he is being torn apart, I'm not doing it purposely. I try to warn people - this HAPPENS. I don't do it on purpose, maybe one day a month I like the thought of it, and that's only because I want to tear EVERYONE apart on those days. (PMS, anyone?)

Second, she's developing her own sexuality right now. She's trying new things, getting new ideas, she's hungry for it right now. Why? Well, my guess is that it's actually a 'female thing'... in her place I'd be doing exactly the same. Since Slash seems drawn to me more for the sex than anything else, since there are things that previously she would NOT do that suddenly she is trying after he tells her that 'Jax does that so well'... yeah. Not envy. Not true competition... that gets much more nasty. But... hm.

The best way to put it is that it's like watching two slavegirls compete to earn their Master's favor. Which, considering the role Megan often plays and definitely prefers, considering the mood I was in most of the time when he and I were first hooking back up this time... yeah. It's understandable.

It doesn't make his life or hers any easier.

I'm tempted, VERY tempted, to simply stop... if only because it will force him to pay attention to Megan again, to focus on her, to give her the attention she needs. She's his SO. I'm a FRIEND. She's supposed to get the best of him.

*fingers the ankh around her throat*

I have other commitments.