Heart.

Soul.

Mind.

Body.

I know where to find you, aye... behind every breath and every thought and gods, I am on the edge of laughter... something I couldn't avoid and couldn't deny and couldn't resist and it ended up wounding us both. Distance. Time.

I'm still here.

*shakes her head, dances into music, letting it soothe her slightly, calming* Sound is a drug, these days. I still remember listening to "Black Hole Sun" and wondering why more people didn't seem to hear the way I did. *shrugs* Slight mental detour... and like most of them, there's memories there that I will never let go of, they matter too much.

...forgotten?

Gods, girl, I've got enough bad poetry to nearly fill a hard drive. I spent nearly every night up, awake, wishing that I dared to walk down the road. I did, often, snuck out with a notebook or a pack of cigarettes or just myself and what felt like a broken heart, pacing through a sleeping-dead town and praying to gods-know-what that somehow I'd see you. Everyone, EVERYONE, in my life has heard me talk more about you than about anyone else, past or present. You were in my dreams - still are, for that matter - as well as in my waking thoughts.

Yes, I'm content with my life at the moment. It's something I can survive with, it's got so many good points. I've a roof over my head, food in my stomach, internet access, friends, family... gods, and I'm still sitting here with damp cheeks and a knot in my throat listening to Melissa Etheridge of all people, shaking... my life isn't perfect, nobody's life is perfect. I...

*curls up, staring at the screen for a disturbingly long time, eyes dark, silent*

...I refuse to give up anything that matters to me. What in the universe could've made you think that you didn't? How often am I going to find myself in tears, struggling to put into words even a fraction of what I'm feeling?

...and no, before you start down that road, don't you DARE take that and go off on another guilt trip with it. These tears at least are my own, my mind and my heart. Not mislead. Not confused. My choice, my decision... and I have decided again and again and always that you are WORTH crying over, worth worrying about, worth dreaming of, worth caring for, worth... heh, worth me. *wry grin* Considering my own self-image some days that might not mean as much as it should, but take it as you will.

aching, longing, needing, wanting
they�re all just words
nothing I can say will make you
understand
praying, hoping, dreaming, wishing
they�re all just thoughts
nothing I can think will make it
happen again
craving, thirsting, trying, pleading
they�re all just games
nothing I can do will make you
understand
crying, hurting, missing, giving
they�re all just me
nothing I can be will make it
happen again

I could drown in you, some days.

*shakes her head* ...no. One thing you're right about - 24/7 exposure would, at least as things stand, be awkward. Committment... funny to say this considering how much time and emotion we both seem to have committed to this ...committment isn't the goal, despite all the self-help books.

I keep reading, more and more... this is all tumbling together in my head and perhaps someday I'll be able to respond more coherantly, but for now all I can do is type as I read, breathless and hopeful and fearful and gods, so confused. Good gods, I've been bi for HOW f'ing long? When I moved into Portland, it was to live with a femme that I'd been hella attracted to in addition to being friends with. I had crushes on girls, not boys. That... all of it... yes. I want. I wish. I dream. I hope. But if there's no room or no hope I'd fight tooth and nail just for conversation, walking through downtown at night, reading, talking, existing. Knowing you're there.

Other peoples' opinion. *snickers* As I've said, I will NOT give up the things that matter. Patience can go screw itself, community and ethics are pretty words they try to make you memorize in school, and there is not a soul on this planet who can tell my heart what to feel. *shakes her head* No one. Nothing. You matter.

Let it out
Take it in
Don't know where
To begin
All I know is within my soul
All I feel I believe is real
And all that I want is you

I see you in my dreams at night
You're alone
And afraid
I wish that you could hear me now
Feel the fire
That we made
And I don't care for lies
And I don't care for truth
Angel, all I care about is you

Let it out
Take it in
Think of me
As a friend
All I know is within my soul
All I feel I believe is real
And all that I want is you

I feel you in my arms at night
Then I wake
You're not there
I wish that you were with me now
But you're not
Do you care?
And I don't care 'bout lies
And I don't care 'bout truth
Angel, all I care about is you

Always and forever
That's a long, long time to stay
Apart from you, my angel...
But you can have it your way

Let it out
Take it in
See what we
Could have been
All I know is within my soul
All I feel I believe is real
And all that I want is you

Yeah, all I've ever wanted
All I've ever needed
All that I want is you.

Old, and old, and old... written back when I still had my first keyboard, sung to myself late at night, screamed once to the stars above a lookout point, everything I felt crammed into a few verses and a night of... desperation might be the right word.

More - I might as well post these, there's nothing else to say that I've words for and although these are still the hesitant efforts of a teen-ager who has barely started to live, still they hold at least a part of what set me to aching night after night.

i have no dreams that sing of fire
that do not also sing of ice
and it takes passion and desire
to stir the dreams behind these eyes

there is no love without a lover
no hope, no peace, no rest until
you find the one who's like no other
and from her fountain drink your fill

i sing of days lit by the bright sun
and nights illuminated well
by blazing neon and by streetlights
that light the road that leads to hell

there is no faith without a partner
no dreams, no fantasies or lust
unless the one you love is truthful
there is no life where there's no trust

Trust. There's a damned short list of people I would even begin to trust... most of them, oddly enough, have hurt me pretty badly at one point or another, points where they wouldn't have been able to hurt me if I didn't trust them. And still they hold fragments of me, still I trust, believing in them. Yes, you're on that list. Did you ever think otherwise?

and you call the flame
and you call my name
i can feel it strong in the air
around you

fire burns my hands
as i hold them out
to you and you
turn them away
with a curse
and a kiss
to strike the spark
for the flames
that kill me slowly
as you watch and laugh

the fire burns my body
sharp pains that
i can resist
but not for long

and when i cry again
and when you laugh again
i discover that
the things that hurt
are not from the fire
rather they are from you

and i accept them
because you give them
so i am burned
because i love
only you
always you

your fire dances in me
hypnotizing me from
the inside
out
regarding me hotly
as i wait
with the fire
for a command from you

neither i nor the fire
realizing that what
you ask
is for both to die
in your service
and when we do
know and understand
when we open our eyes
we will accept
because you command it

i regard you as
the fire you control
the pain you give
the tears you weep
the words you speak

you do not
really understand how
much of you i
have learned in the darkness
of the room where
i lay at your feet
and dreamed of you
and of the flames you
have called into being

as my intentions fall
and i hear you call
i close my eyes
waiting
for you to call my spirit
out
into your service
forever and ever
again

and the lighting crashes

- - - - -

Whispersoft...
Featherlight...
I hear your voice and spin around
The world is turning
And you�re nowhere in sight...
Winterwind...
Seastorms...
Every breath of air chills me
The night is howling
You�re right beside me...
Moonlight...
Werelight...
The universe is burning
Pale foxfire glow
Illuminates your form...
Bittersweet...
Razorsharp...
I remember you and look
The soul remembers
And now you cloud my mind...
You fill my mind...

This entry is long. Funny, that some of the longest entries I've written recently are what might as well have been emails, letters, prayers whispered into the wind... all of this is inside me and has been for years, and you thought I left you? Gods... the nights I spent convinced that you had left ME, that somehow you were doing fine and that my nightmares and pain and confusion, it was at least something you'd escaped... that the scars both in mind and body were my problem, that you at least were safe...

...it is not a habit, it is cool, I feel alive, I feel...

One last thing. One last spray of words, blank verse, and my assurance that at least one thing I do understand:

imagine waking up
to discover that you are not alone
a shadow follows you
sentient
aware
a shadow with a voice
words, speech
there is a hollow place
carved out from your heart
and your head
it is here that your shadow
begins to grow
filling all the emptiness
flowing into you
imagine waking up
to feel this second soul
knowing it
as well as you know yourself
hearing its voice
each time you speak
your thoughts
its thoughts
blending
imagine waking up
and realizing
you are the shadow...

It's 5:11, nearly an hour of writing, thinking, remembering. Time enough to think of all the hurts, the problems, the reasons to just forget this... and time enough to laugh at them all. I am here, always. I'd thought somehow that you would have held on... but now, no waiting, no hesitation. This time, I will not let you go.