One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila...
Previous - this entry written on September 02, 2001 at 6:49 pm - Next


Gods, I am soooo drunk... (mating call of a blond). If Alex logs online while I'm drunk I'll tell him I'm female, I just know it. I'm an idiot.

This is Honesty 101 class, kiddies, pay attention.

And if there are spelling mistakes, BITE ME, I've had what, maybe six shots of tequila and still going? My spelling can go fuck itself.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Drunk. Honesty.

Dammit, Rhett, if you don't talk to me soon I'm going to have to email you and beg. I miss you way more than I should and it's starting to drive me nuts. You're supposed to be a part of my life, it feels weird without you around.

This might just be because I'm used to there alwyas being someone more twisted than I am around. You are, you know... not in the same ways, but you're... darker. There are things I'd never touch that you daydream about. Then again, I've done it in person. I've had fun shattering peoples' will. Have you done that yet, Rhett? Would you like to? I'd like to watch, watch you rip apart some pretty young thing, leave her bleeding and helpless and hopeless... your dreams are so beautiful. They leave me breathless.

I miss your dreams.

I miss you.

Just thought I'd say that. I don't know if you even read this any more... but yeah. I miss you. I'm sorry.

Anyway... honest. I am kinda saying things right now that, while true, I might not admit to later on, and please keep that in mind. *drinks* Seven. Bitter stuff, too... Tequila tastes like this weird citrus shit only... odder. Nasty. I cut it first with strawberry marguerita mix but just kept adding more tequila each time I drank a shot's worth of alcohol... and so now it's barely pink and I feel REALLY dizzy. Warm, too.

And you know what? Fuck you, Nreshan. That is, if I could fuck you, I would. If I could hurt you, I would. If I could rip you apart, tear you apart, leave you broken and bleeding and sobbing... I would. And hate myself for it afterwards. Aletose isn't the only one who gets confused. I just thought I'd point that out.

Yeah. I make a rather pathetic drunk.

I don't really care.

I just explained it like this to Nre, who incidentally I would like to mention that I do NOT hate, that yes, Elru and Daris are quite reasonable when they are jealous of him... anyway. I said this:

Nreshan: (6:59 PM) go to sleep

Rahani Jax: (7:00 PM) Are you kidding? Nine-tenths of this crap I can't get out even when I'm TRYING. If I don't write it now, I'll never manage it.

That's me.

I'm trying desperately to get out all the things that I can't say any other time, any other way. I'm drunk and I'm trying to use it, just like I would use any other tool. After all, if I can use it, if it helps me, then it's ok, right? I'm desperately afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I'm already a sexaholic. Pot, I can take it or leave it... although it's easier to take it, particularly if everyone else is getting stoned and I'm already in the room. But alcohol... that's a personal choice. I don't DARE drink heavily often, I've got indian blood and my rather easily-addicted mentality. I don't want to become dependant. But... since I'm here...

...let me enjoy it? Let me use it?

I'm drunk.

Seven shots.

My vision is blurring, but on the bright side, I'm not hallucinating any more. I can't see ANYTHING. Oddly enough, I can still type. Not as fast as usual, although it still feels fast, but quick enough.

I really want to hug Daris and Hida. And I'm really pissed at Mreoci and, rather sadly, Johnny... I don't intend to be, I want to like them and be happy... but sometimes, like today, I want to be left alone. That's ALL I want. Yes, if ~I~ talk to ~you~, that's one thing... the other way around? Don't interrupt me, I'm busy dying.

Death.

Let me rephrase that:

Death.

Yeah.

Death.

It's not something I want. I would like to stress that. But it's a very pretty thought. I did bad things to Kadin and I'm still a bit upset about it. I haven't paid enough attention to Elru or especially to Caleb, and I'm upset about that too.

Finger Eleven just came on Winamp, "Costume For A Gutterball". Please, if you love me at all or even are amused by me, listen to this song. This is me.

"The mask keeps on / slipping and tearing / holes are big enough to see..."

Oh, and ICQ is on crack. For the last few weeks, half the time it won't tell me when I have a new message until I open up each individual ICQ window. It's evil. So if you think I've ignored you on ICQ, or seemed busy, that's why. It's been irritating me a LOT.

"The wall in the corner is moving / slowly up / slowly down / ....the mask keeps on slipping and tearing / holes are big enough to see / no one will know that I'm naked / they can't get to me / so slow / you see me / disappear / taken in, taken away / you see me / disappear / taken in, taken away / caught in another memory / looking for something left to see / now I want something... / ...caught in / one more / fairy tale / so sorry..."

Ok. Enough lyrics quoting.

I miss a lot of people.

Caleb is going to go get me food... paychecks finally arrived! Elru, I need to call you. Anyway... yeah. He's getting food so that I won't be sick, getting drunk. He's a wonderful boy, my Caleb... he loves me with all his heart and he means the world to me. If I could find everything I needed within him, I would, happily... he deserves a perfect world and he IS perfect, I love him, gods, I love him. I wouldn't be happy without my Caleb.

This, much to my dismay, does not stop me from falling in love with other people.

To date, I love... hm. Too many people.

I should try monogamy.

WOW, I think of some bizarre shit when I'm drunk. *grin* Admittedly, I'm not really serious about it, but that I'd even JOKE about it kinda frightens me. Dashwood is affecting me. He's a mon-cat. He's a one-mouse kind of feline. I think it will hurt him a lot when he realizes I'm female. But maybe not... he did say he appreciates both genders, all genders.

Lit - "Over My Head". That's me too.

Anyway... I'm gonna stop now. I'm getting silly. VERY silly. I might write more, if I can... but for now, this is a VERY damned drunk Jax, signing out.

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