This Is The Only Time I Really Feel Alive
Previous - this entry written on February 12, 2002 at 5:07 pm - Next


Reading Akasha.

No music - I don't dare, right now.

Thinking.

The sky is turning gold outside, and my head hurts. Tempting... so tempting... but none of the people I could touch right now would understand why I wanted so badly to take them. None of them would be willing to suffer for me... not that I know of, anyway.

No one HERE.

Physically present.

Because I can't keep going on words and fumes and distance. I need something real. Something solid. I need to be able to taste tears again, to watch someone sobbing, to know that they are crying for me, because of me... to be able to hold them after. Comfort. Touch. Feel.

I need to feel.

I won't hurt myself. Been there, done that. I'd do too much, to me... I know myself too well. I need someone else. Someone whose pain will be enough to push me back into... not sanity, but at least comfort. Somewhere to start from.

*sighs softly*

Red hair... black hair... strong body and tender, sensative skin. Black leather cuffs around wrists... ankles... or even just my hand in their hair, kissing hard, biting, I want to be able to breathe in their whimpers and their pleading...

*shakes her head*

Gotta get out of this mindset. Somehow. Problem being, the only way I know to get out of it is to satisfy it... or wait until it goes away. And if I wait it out, then the next time it's worse... and worse... and worse... and already it's so bad that it feels like a fever, a sickness.

I want to be cured, even if it's just for tonight.

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