Apparently staying out odd hours isn't helping any.

So here's the latest doctor's orders: I am on a diet of bananas, white toast, applesauce, tea, and white rice. I am to drink lots of clear liquids, take advil, not move much, lie down. I am to take warm baths, and not put ice in my drinks. I am to take my temperature twice a day and any time I feel warm. I am to avoid stress and strain. I am NOT to walk long distances.

I don't mind it too much. Really I don't. I just hate the taste of the antacids and despise feeling this weak.

If you know me at all, you'll have figured out that it bothers me to be seen as weak... I'm the tough one, the strong one, the one who gets through things. No, I don't LIKE having to be like that, I'd rather be able to relax and just have a good life... but I don't want to be a wuss. I don't want to fall down. I want to be dependable, and all that good shit. I want to be the Mistress, I guess is what it boils down to.

I feel guilty because I'm not strong enough to take care of myself and everyone else. I know it's not possible to always take care of everyone, but I WANT to... and I've gotten used to feeling guilty when I fail in anything, possible or not. This is just one of many, for me... I really do feel like shit when I get sick, not because of my ill health, but purely because I know that it means someone else has to fill in for me, to help me out, to take care of me and of the things I should be doing. It means I'm not being THERE for the people who depend on me.

It means I have failed.

Getting sick is failure. Gods, ok, I feel fucked up now... and am feeling guilty for that... ack. No wonder I get so addicted to vicodin, it's the only shit that makes the guilt go away the moment I take a pill. *wry grin*

Incidentally, for those of you out there who have normal health... here's a question. What if you KNEW that in 8-12 years, you'd be dead? How would you feel? Please phrase your answer in the form of a question, and there WILL be a quiz next week. *sigh*

I'm gonna go lie down and eat a banana. Ook.