I know, I complain about pain a lot. I should find a new topic. But dammit, it HURTS. I'm dead tired but can't seem to get to sleep, my stomach is upset, my throat is burning, my left side feels like someone is driving an icepick into it, it hurts to move, it hurts NOT to move, I've got a headache from hell, and every muscle in my body, particularly the ones in my neck and upper back, are so damned tense you could bounce quarters off 'em.

I'm getting VERY tired of this.

Yes, out of painmeds, again.

No, won't get to bug the doctor until tomorrow. Err... later today, now, technically.

I've managed to keep a bowl of split pea soup down. For an entire day. One bowl of soup. Watered-down soup. Someone shoot me.

Deborah was going off on the possibility that they'll end up having me hooked up to machines, bags, whatever, to keep living, if it's something seriously wrong.

I don't want to think about that, because I know exactly what I'd do if that happened. Yeah.

Pain.

I can't get off the topic because it hurts so fucking bad that I can't THINK about anything else for long. That's part of why I can't sleep... no position is comfortable, no arrangement of pillows and blankets actually eases the pain enough to let me drift off. The few times I've come close, the phone has rung, or someone has come downstairs, or worse, I wake up a moment later from a pain-drenched nightmare to realize that although the dream is gone, the pain is still there, because I shifted wrong in my sleep.

I feel like I'm starving... I just ate a couple green olives, which oddly, seems to have settled my stomach a bit. Maybe I'll try some more food. But then, I tried a piece of toast after the soup, being all brave, and the toast came up, bringing a bit of the soup with it.

I don't trust my body, not at all.

And yeah, the depression is hitting pretty hard. Part of it is just withdrawals, already... I'm addicted enough that even a day without, even PART of a day without, is enough to trigger the beginnings of those. Part of it is just the situation I'm in. Part of it was a phone call with my mother that seemed to never end... it FINALLY did, but only because I had to go throw up.

I think I call the doctor, or the advice nurse, tomorrow soon.

This hurts too damned much, and I want to sleep again, and I want to feel cheerful again.

I remember being cheerful and happy the way most people remember... oh, sixth grade. Faintly and from a distance. *shrugs*

Yeah. I have good moments. But really, all they are is good moments. Followed without fail by bad ones. And the bad ones last longer. Not very fair.