...not literally, exactly. But I can't DO this. I can't control myself right now.

I wanna break my legs / in case I thought to escape...

I got home and had blood on my hands, on my leg, it's not coming from me as far as I can tell. Not my period. No scratches anywhere, nothing. And I'm damned sure I didn't get in a fight with anyone. What the FUCK?

I can't do this.

Hold me down 'cause I want to know you / you drink up my rage...

My body is shaking, trembling. I know since I left the house around 8-ish I've thrown up at least three times. Thrown up once more, just before I started writing this. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's illness, whatever it is I want it to stop, I'm shaking like a leaf and I hate this feeling.

Found out Kenji and Scott came looking for me. If I'd just stayed there a few minutes more, I would have seen them. Maybe I'd be out hanging with them. Not here. Not alone. Not alone, not alone, not alone, I can't do this alone, I can't do this at all, I am falling apart.

I want to curl up with someone I trust and just cry. Everything aches.

And the most amazing thing happened on the way home... there was a dedication on z100, which I'd only flipped to out of desperation. Alex, dedicating a song 'to a girl I only remember'. DJ who read it off sounded confused.

(end of part 1 - part 2 to follow)