I think I mentioned recently feeling like Drusilla, all madness and firedreams and this horrible hurtful need to do SOMETHING, to make it all better. Still here. It won't go away.

I don't know what it is I want to fix, only that whatever it is, I can't do it here, can't do it now, it's not possible.

Classes end soon. Two more weeks, then... done. Talked to the college and they are sending Deb and I checks for what they owe us, and that's good, but what about next month, the month after that? What now?

Panic.

But I shove it down and I smile and I laugh, and tomorrow I go to the doctor and go see Angel and gods, I can't DO this, have I mentioned that yet? I don't know how to hold myself together. More and more timeloss, more and more of the tears that I don't even understand. I've started avoiding people not because of the panic, although that's still there... but because I seem to just start crying sometimes. No reason. No rhyme. Just tears, and I can't make them stop. I can feel them coming on, and I leave, because crying in front of friends for no reason = badness and lunacy, right?

I read her entries and want to just curl up because yes, gods yes, if the madness is going to come let it come full-force or NOT AT ALL, not this half-way misery that keeps me tangled away from my friends and my loves, not this dream where I can't quite wake up and can't quite fall asleep.

There's this horrid little voice scratching in the back of my head and it keeps telling me that spilling all this out, talking about how much it hurts and how confused I am and that I don't quite have a hold on the world any more, that it's bad and dangerous.

I guess it is... I don't care, I have to get this out somehow, and writing it down for myself isn't working any more. Even writing it here isn't working well enough.

You want me... fuckin' well come and find me... I'll be waiting... with a gun and a pack of sandwiches and nothing... nothing...

...nothing...

What am I going to do? I don't know what to do, that's the problem here, I don't KNOW, I want to stop scaring myself, it's... ech.

NIN - something I can never have

That song. That line. "I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself". That one.

That song.

Me, right there, hidden in between the lines, I hide between things now, between words and minutes and names, I don't know if I even exist.

What do I do now?