So now I feel like shit. I got what I wanted, I got him to beg, I got my freedom in a sense, and time to think, and a chance to just REST, gods, I needed to rest... and I wasn't there for him. He... *shudders*

Even if it was just for the few minutes that I read that... he is/was mine. And I wasn't there for him. I don't regret blowing up, I don't entirely regret running and/or wanting to run, I don't regret saying yes, not any more... the only thing I regret is not being there for him.

I've talked a bit with someone I trust... I'm not done talking with him yet (and I doubt I will ever be done, in this lifetime :-), but... he saw it too. It's NOT just me... I really was being 'pushed'. Fast... so fast.

He's only 19. Sure, I'm only 22... but... he really is young. Innocent. He's going to grow up, in the military. He's going to change.

He's going to figure out that he doesn't need whips and chains to be happy... that he DOES need them sometimes, though, to remember how it was... he's going to feel old. He's going to wonder why he spent so many years looking in the wrong places for life and love and pleasure. He's going to wake up.

I wonder if he'll still want me when he returns? I wonder if I will be here for him then? I wasn't here when he begged... I would have given a LOT to be, I should have been.

But once he grows up... will he still be willing to beg?