*sighs* I can't get no sleep. Keep tossing and turning, or waking up out of a nightmare that seemed to last for hours only to find it's been 15-20 minutes since I last looked at the clock. This is starting to get to me... I mean, the not-sleeping-because-of-heat was one thing, but dammit, it's cooled off now, I should be able to get some rest!

Ok, admittedly, being strung out on nasal spray, cold medication, oxycodone, decongestants, and the stupid steroid pills the doctor gave me ain't helping any. *arghs* I wish OHP would get its fucking act together, and that the damned medical profession would give me an actual diagnosis, and then DO something about it, not sit around on their collective arses and wait for me to drop dead of some new complication. ARGH.

Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated?

*breaks open the Boones, sighing* Back off the wagon I go... hell, it's the only thing I can think of to get me to sleep. I've tried warm tea. I've tried cold tea. I've tried heating up a frappuchino (the closest I can get to warm milk without puking), and drinking one cold. I've tried ice packs, and hot towels, and long baths, and NOTHING F'ING WORKS. *sighs again, arghing some more for good measure*

At least if I get drunk, if I DON'T get to sleep, I won't care.

Self-destructive. Yeah. I know. Shut up, ok? *glares at what passes for a concience these days* I know what I'm doing to myself, I know that no matter what the doctors advise it's not guaranteed to help any more than it hurts, I know that my body is falling apart and I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP IT, I know, I know, I know!

*curls up*

I know what's happening to me. I know that I'm loosing what self-respect I've scraped together over the last few years. I know that every pill I take, every sip of alcohol or caffeine that goes into me, every time I break down and have a clove, or smoke some pot, or do ANYTHING, it's really only making it worse.

I know.

I can see it all.

What else am I supposed to do, huh? Stupid little nagging voice in the back of my head, if you won't shut up, at least tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do to get better so I can STOP all of this?

*curls a bit tighter, shivering, not wanting to face the world*

Yeah, I know there are good things... good people... reasons life is still worth living. Believe me, if I didn't know, I would have just not woken up a LONG time ago. I'm gonna keep going, and keep fighting, and keep trying to get better until something works.

Doesn't mean that sometimes - tonight, for example - all I want to do is curl up and cry and not have to feel it all.

*wry grin* What I miss most tonight is having someone there who won't mind if I curl up and cry on their shoulder. Right now, right this second, I want to bawl.

Can't.

It's not coming out, any more than sleep is going in.

It's all a bottleneck... I can keep typing this, trying my best to let it out, and yeah, the words express a lot. I suspect anyone reading is going to see a lot of the frustration and pain and confusion I'm feeling. Somehow, that isn't helping tonight. It's not going away. It's not getting any less, any easier.

This is just one of those bad nights, I guess.