Preparing For The 'Con
Previous - this entry written on November 09, 2001 at 12:30 pm - Next


So I'm off to OryCon today. Do a search for it - I'm too lazy to link, just now.

And too frustrated.

I was hoping - read praying to every deity I believe in and even a few I don't - that my meds would be delivered today.

Pills to make the pain stop.

Pills to make what should be a fun weekend, actually FUN, not miserable and pain-filled and agonizing.

Little... well, not-so-little but still quite white pills.

I am a drug addict.

Not because I get off on the high, although I sometimes do. Not because it's some cult thing, or because of peer pressure. I am an addict - I believe that I cannot get by at the moment without my drug of choice.

However, since a) my drug of choice is pretty much ANYTHING that makes the pain stop without making me feel even worse, and b) I'm RIGHT in that whole not-getting-by thing... I'm sort of a reasonable addict.

I am not taking drugs for recreation, although I certainly have, and likely will again (penguins!).

I am not taking drugs because it's 'cool', because I need a 'fix', or for any other silly reasons.

I am taking drugs because my life currently is one unending stream of various forms of pain and frankly, it's either take drugs or find some more... permanent... way of making the pain stop.

As you all know my views on suicide, you can see why drugs seem quite the reasonable option.

*sigh*

But at present, I have nothing but advil, which I can take with the effects most people have from one or two childrens' asprin, maybe even less effect. I'm up to 12 advil at a pop, and even that doesn't END the pain, it just dulls it to gnawing misery instead of white-hot hospitalize me now agony. *grrrrr*

Drugs of choice, if I could actually choose? Vicoden, Percoset, Codeine, even Opium... I have good luck with the opiates, although my tolerance is going up. Drugs I avoid include anything that takes a needle to get it working, anything that makes me sicker than I already was (and that's actually a lot of them) and anything that involves serious OD risk... which is why I've stopped taking tylenol alltogether. I LIKE my liver and kidneys to function... well, as close to functional as they ever get, anyway.

Tylenol scares me.

So ideally, straight-up pure 100% vicodin and/or percoset (oxycodone), not cut with ANYTHING, a whole bottle of 'em.

That should last me all of what, a week or two? *wry grin*

I've finally paid off OHP, courtesy of... y'know, it's hard to call him what I want to and feel required to call him, here. This little bit of my life is still free. So for now, call him a friend... and a bit more.

But yeah.

Hopefully they will give me health care now.

Hopefully.

If they don't... then I will have to KILL someone, and soon. *sigh*

I hurt.

And I am supposed to go 'enjoy myself', somehow, while in pain, without medication, without even the belief that I really safely CAN go to a hospital if need be...

...I am not looking forward to this.

I dread OryCon.

Oh, and I won't have much 'net access there either.

Wish me luck...?

...

...

...

...or shoot me?

Please?

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