And then there are letters like this. This one is addressed to Lady Ava, the name I've been going by in the various chatrooms for a while now. Not here... here I am Jax (more or less) and I intend to keep it that way. Ava is... *grins faintly* ...amusement. And I have my own reasons for liking the name.

But anyway, I've put up a couple of adverts as Lady Ava. And although in general, the responses aren't even worth talking about... this one is.

--- --- ---

I realize I'm too far away, probably too old and probably a little 'talkie' for your average sub. This letter isn't a bark at the door to let me in. I just wanted to compliment you on your web site. It's beautiful, clear, concise, intelligent and - entertaining. Not to mention your ads, both at bondage.com and alt.com. They so articulately state who you are and what you're looking for. That's so good to see. A lot of sites are informative but they make a subject so beautiful and exciting seem as dull as a thesis on the properties of drying paint.

I get the impression that many aren't in the lifestyle so much to satisfy their inner need to be dominant as for getting back at a man or the world in general. They just want to be mean to someone -anyone- to get even with someone, even if only vicariously. I find that I'm having trouble differentiating between the true dominants and the Jerry Springer back-up guests. "Today's show, 'WWF Widows And The Slut-Slaves Who Love Them'."

But looking at your ads, web site and poetry, I see only sincerity. And the stories - wow. I can't talk about them now.

The sad fact of my state of residence does nothing to dispel the notion that I'm missing out. Missouri... can't really be explained. It's impossible. Things don't work here like they do for the rest of the world. This place appears to have a 'scene' but no one who wants to talk much about it. It seems to be full of wannabes proclaiming themselves to be 'living the lifestyle' but actually wanting only sex. They email me saying they're domme or interested in being a domme but actually wanting me to dominate them. I think that someone who wants to be tied up and Viking-raped probably isn't going to be too quick to lead ol' Eric The Ravager around on a leash afterward. Everyone interesting lives somewhere else. Sometimes, I wish I was just hard up for sex.

I'm occasionally moody but usually 'perky'. Well adjusted, talkative, opinionated, (shy around strangers - which is absolutely crazy considering my new voyeuristic fetish, but we won't discuss that) and pretty outgoing. I take what life throws at me and occasionally throw a few back. Offline, people generally like me a lot. Online is a different story. I have a sort of 'unstructured articulation' in the way I talk to people that I think doesn't lend itself well online. I think something gets lost in the translation. And my typing sucks. I'm trying to learn to type like I talk because people seem to find it interesting for some reason. I'm not sure this is a good idea. The problem only seems to occur with local dominants, as I never have trouble with anyone out of state. Well, that is until I tell them that I can't move in with them. I think when they go online, Domme/doms sometimes suffer from a form of ADD. Like children in a candy store, they scamper from ad to ad, salivating over all the sweet treats who throw themselves at their cyber feet - "Yes, Mistress!! I'll do whatever you want. Punish me." I have no objection to saying that to someone but to plunge myself into it with all the forethought of a Vegas wedding just isn't me. I think I'm not telling them what they want to hear. I'm not saying the locals aren't smart - well, I'm not saying it. But I'm starting to think the world wants dumb subbies.

I've had a lot of quasi-vanilla BDSM experiences with girlfriends. But I was always relegated to the role of dom. I enjoyed it a lot actually. It was kind of like putting on a show. I'm sure this sounds novice and silly to someone with your experience but in that brief moment, I was that person's everything. Every sound, sensation, even thought was directed by me. I felt that I could stop time. And I'd give her the things she had always wanted but couldn't express. It was like I instinctively knew. I see why some enjoy being the dominant. The feeling was addictive.

But apparently the converse feeling is equally addictive. When it was my turn I'd hear "But you do it better" or I'd get tied up and she'd get into it for 5 minuets, hurt or tease me enough to make me moan (I've been told that there's something about my moan, but decided not to record and analyze it for the sheer fact that I don't want to hear myself moan). Whereupon she'd instantly get horny at the sound, untie me and we'd be going at it. Oh, joy.

Then a few months ago, there I was, after a recent breakup (it went well. I got most of my t-shirts, CDs and DVDs back), and I had the weirdest dream. I didn't know the faces and I didn't recognize the place but I remembered I was sitting at someone's feet, my head on her knee, being petted. I remember other people being there and commenting on how 'good I was being'. The feeling is still hard to describe but I remember two things: I was content and I was proud of 'being good'. And then the God Dammed construction guys building apartments across the street woke me up. I can't remember being more pissed off at 9:00 on a Saturday morning. Ever.

I couldn't shake the feeling of submissiveness and contentment from the dream and I knew that BDSM was more than whips, Rubber French maid's outfits and dressing each other up like Michelin snow tires. So I got on the internet and started searching. Sometime during the following week I had an epiphany. And I wasn't ready for it. I don't know if you've ever had one before but it completely rocked my soul. I had realized that I was somewhat submissive but I had no idea the depth. The things that I realized I was willing - hungering - to do and have done to me, that only a couple weeks before would have seemed like insanity somehow felt natural to me. I was ready for this and I had wanted it all my life, since I was a child (long story).

And then reality smacked me across the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper and reminded me where I was.

But I have a plan. I'm currently on a health kick and I think I'm going to just go nuts with it. All muscley arms and shoulders, ripped stomach, a good tan (which will suck because I very much loathe the sun) and pierced nipples (ok, I'm already planning on that one). I'll take my picture around one of the finer local trailer parks with a really good caption. Something highbrow, like: "Slut Male-Dog Looking For A Cruel Mistress - Will Do ANYTHING" I'll wait to get someone salivating over my body and then saying "no thank you, I've found God. But I am looking for a good bowling partner."

I'm rambling and smarmy and I apologize. I didn't mean to torture you with my babble but I saw something about you wanting more that a paragraph or two or something like that. Forgive me. In retrospect, listening to The Cure, Cold and the Stones in rapid succession is something better avoided. Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name. If you've gotten this far, you're strange and patient. Thanks all the same.

I have to go and shine a mirror in the faces of the construction guys on the roof across the street. Take care Lady Ava.

*name withheld*