Psychotic Musings
Previous - this entry written on 2001-08-11 at 2:23 a.m. - Next


Want to know something really disturbing? Kadin is good enough in bed that I'm starting to dislike sex.

Funny how that works, isn't it?

See, he's good enough that I am feeling threatened... that my ego, which has insisted for years that I am GOOD in bed, is feeling oddly punctured. I'm a Sex Goddess, dammit! Really I am... but when compared to a boy, a BOY, who was a virgin until he met me... yeah. I feel a little inadequate.

See, some people... they study. They practice. They train. It's OK if they are good, they intend to be, they've worked for it... they deserve to be good enough to leave me unconscious (did that sound greedy or what?). But a mostly-untrained slaveboy, a scrawny little kid, a PET? What the fuck???

I think that might be part of what's pushing the masochistic mood forward - it's one of my major reactions to low self-esteem. It tends to force me to snap out of it, when it gets fulfilled.

Problem is this: it doesn't seem to be enough to get it online. It needs to be as real as the problem is. Usually my self-esteem problems are pretty illusionary - based on stuff that happens online or just in my head. This one is based on something physical, so apparently the solution needs to be physical as well.

Which sucks.

Why does it suck? Because there is NO ONE to fix this. Yes, SC, I see you waving your sword... but that's not... gah. Not IT. Not humiliation. It's pain, pure pain, not beautiful suffering but agony instead... how do I explain the difference?

Ragin, I see you too... gods, I see you. A bit too clearly. But still... it's not REAL. It gets interrupted, interfered with. It's not the same. Are there even words enough to explain this?

Gah.

I'm stressing because I just had a really good orgasm. I'm stressing because I just had great sex. I HATE myself because I just had sex good enough to leave Sieia-To giddy.

This is nuts.

Anyone know a good shrink who takes broke people as patients?

Previous - Next
Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven -
- Do Not Feed The Moose -




Human Pets!

Latest
Older
First

Profile
Cast
Disclaimer

Links
Pants
Porn
Addiction
Blowjobs

Notes
Guestbook

Art
Writings
Bad
Poetry
Collection
The Girls

Old-time
Radio
Techno
VideoSift
The Boxes
#submission

Hosted
at D-land