Thought Processes
Previous - this entry written on April 27, 2004 at 12:30 pm - Next

Slimy. Cold. It feels cold even though I know it'll burn later.

Around the throat, better get all the way, another less real, less meaningful collar. Collar. She gave me a collar again.


Warming, my fingers, my throat, gotta get more on. Shoulders.

I'll set the jar between my legs. Both hands gooey now. Both shoulders. Rub it in? It'll only hurt more. But it has to hurt.

Rub it in.

Chest. Leave the arms for later or I won't be able to move them. Hands already itch.

Rubbing, cold across my ribcage, my throat... throat, it itches, heating. Heating fast.

Work faster. Get it over with. How long?

Stomach. Shoulders tingle, my throat is on fire. I... no, don't rub it, don't scratch it, hurry, finish. If I can finish. If he'll let me finish. If there IS a finish.

Sides. Flanks, she always says flanks, like I'm an animal. Animals would have better sense than to do this. My throat hurts, shoulders hurt, already my chest burns. Quicker, hands on sides, up and down and around.

Rub it in.

Legs, those are easy. Or would be. I have to touch, maybe more cream will cool it for a moment.

Fingers on throat. Up, rub, above the collar, below, behind, it's not helping it's not helping it'snothelping it hurts!

More, I can do this. Obey. Her.

Wish my legs didn't have hair. Quicker then. Feet.

Feet? Won't be able to stand in a minute. My hands feel so hot, hurts, can't bend my fingers, only rub, rub more.

Why this?

Why did she put me here? She can't see me.

Can she?


Please, I can't, I can't!

Have to. Have to, he'll only make it worse somehow, have to keep...

...goddess, the collar burns!

Keep on. Scoop, rub, arms now. Don't look down.

No attention there. Ignore. Forget.

Maybe he'll forget.

Won't. Can't. Hurts too much.

Not there. Please not there. Arms. Rubbing, hard, harder, my hands are soaked with this stuff, it burns so much, itches, aches, please make it stop, please!

Bite. Keep quiet, keep quiet, he wants it to hurt.

She would want it to hurt.

Shaking his head... please, what, I'm doing it, I'm covered in this stuff, what more do you WANT?

No... ohgoddessohgoddessno...

Have to. H..have to. Quick, don't think about it, just quick, rub, enough? Please, let that be enough.

My back. Forgot my back. Can't reach.

Can't reach, shit, how do I... floor.

Floor. Spread.

Lay back... twist... can't help twisting, shaking, can't hold still, roll over, over, it hurts ithurtsithurtsithurts how much of this howmuch please...

Please! I beg... no, no, not this weak, not, please...

It hurts, can't, can't be quiet, can't hold still, it hurts. Do you see that it hurts? Is this enough?

Please, I beg, mercy, please grant mercy, please, brother, please, goddess, it hurts so much!


Sleep. Wish I could stay awake. So tired, so tired.

Want to think. Why is it so hard to think? I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Did it for her. Promised, promised myself I was above that. Swore she didn't matter. Avoid pain. Behave if I have to. Learn...

...I remember that much, she said I learned something, what was it? Can't remember. Can barely remember her voice. Her eyes. Her touch, goddess, so long...

She used to touch me every day. Said she wanted that contact. I mattered. She touched me, I fought, she didn't stop.

Now, though.

No touch.

Not worth touching.

She hasn't forgotten me though. Check. Still there, so-cold metal, it felt like it was made of molten steel earlier but now it's cold. Comfort. I hate it.

I hope she doesn't take it away.

Heard her talking, watched him when she took his away briefly. Safety?

Not for me. She's never offered me something solid to shield me. Never. Only her.

Only her. If I want to be safe she said it would only be through her.

Not safe here. Thought...

I thought the first day that maybe being here would be better. Maybe he was sick of suffering too, maybe he'd be sympathetic, someone I could talk to, someone I could trust.

But... I do trust him.

When the hell did that happen? Why should I trust him? He hurts me.

She hurts me.

Through him.

It's still her. Safe... through her.

Can't think straight... so tired. I saw him looking at that stuff, thought he was going to put more on. Don't know why he didn't.

Don't under... *yawn* ...stand.

Doesn't matter. Gonna sleep.

Maybe it'll make sense in the morning.

...maybe I finally did something right...

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