It's almost 4:00 am. I should have spent tonight up, gaming, with my boys and with company. I should have been happy. I shouldn't have let my own psychoses and my inability to handle drugs keep me down.

I shouldn't have fucked with the kitten's head while he was not sober. I should have kept my wits about me, NOT let my insanity out.

I should have drunk more water and less caffeine. I should not have gotten into the cage with him or without him. I shouldn't have let part of myself submit so easily to someone so inexperienced. I should have torn out that part of me when I had the chance to do so.

Should... shouldn't... got a lot of those tonight.

Got baked, royally baked... then was bad.

Didn't game... didn't socialize. Didn't do ANYTHING but sit around and be not-sober, feeling miserable, watching over a kitten who was feeling worse than I was... and taking advantage of his weakness.

I feel like crap.

I'm thirsty, hungry, tired... but not sleepy, and not energetic enough to do anything about my needs right now.

I'm a slug.

Mental note - no more pot for this girl for quite a while! It's a dangerous thing indeed, for me. Bad. Bad, bad, bad.

I need vicodin, is what I need.

Lots and lots and lots of vicodin... Angel's company... enough red meat to drown in... sharp blades... still waters...

Erm...

...yeah. I'm a bit depressed. Did I mention that? More than a bit depressed. Caleb wants snuggles... Kadin is already asleep on the bed... and I am being an idiot, not because I want to be even, although maybe my subconscious does... but because I lack the energy to do anything else, and don't seem to know where to start.

I feel lost, is what I feel.

Lost.

Very disconcerting feeling, when I'm at home on the computer with my boys nearby.

How can I possibly feel lost right now?