Yeah.

Pathetic. Not him... me. I am. ANd I know it... but dammit, I LIKE that feeling.

So. Music. Currently listening to All Saints, a song titled "Never Ever", and wishing that I could just sink into the floor and never get back up. *shrug* Yeah. Pathetic. Cope.

So what's going on in my head right now? Depression. LOTS of it. I'd rather be elsewhere. Rather be doing something else. Rather anything other than this horrible hurtful need. I don't want to need. I don't want to want. I would rather be satisfied with what I have... it would make life so much simpler.

Masturbated for a while... no orgasm. That's the third time today I've tried with no luck... partly 'cos it's not orgasms I'm after, but partly 'cos there's this nasty twinge that keeps interfering - physical twinge, mentally and emotionally I could care less, I LIKE orgasms. So I'm a bit nervous about that. I hate unexplained pains, particularly when they interfere with my sex life in ANY way.

I'm gonna go watch the movie... gonna go relax. Maybe that will be enough to make the depression stop. Know what's funny? If I had Kadin here instead of Caleb, it's Caleb I'd be missing. If both were here, it'd be someone else. *sigh*

As stated before, I am an idiot.

--- lyrics ---

[Nicole]

A few questions that I need to know

How you could ever hurt me so

I need to know what I've done wrong

And how long its been going on

Was it that I never paid enough attention

Or did I not give enough affection

Not only will your answers keep me sane

But I know never to make the same mistake again

You can tell me to my face

Or even on the phone

You can write it in a letter

Either way I have to know

Did I never treat you right

Did I always start the fight

Either way I'm going out of my mind

All the answers to my questions I have to find

[Melanie]

My head spinning

Boy I'm in a daze

I Feel isolated

Don't want to communicate

Take a shower

I will scour

I will roam...

Find peace of mind, the happy mind

I once owned, yeah...

[Shaznay]

Flexing vocabulary runs right through me

The alphabet runs right from A to Z

Conversations, hesitations in my mind

You got my concience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy

I'm sure I have done nothing wrong, though...

I'm just waiting, cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long

[Chorus 2X]

Never ever, ever, ever felt so low

When you gonna take me outta this black hole

Never ever, ever, ever felt so sad,

The way I'm feeling yeah you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find

I've had to dig a way to find my own peace of mind

I'm never ever have my conscious to fight

The way I'm feeling yeah it just don't feel right

[Melanie]

I'll keep searching

Deep within my soul

For all the answers

Don't want to hurt no more

I need peace

Got-to-feel-at-ease

Need to be...

Free from the pain

Go insane my heart aches, yeah...

[Shaznay]

Sometimes vocabulary runs through my head

The alphabet runs right from A to Zed

Conversations, hesitations in my mind

You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy...

I'm sure I have done nothing wrong

Now, I'ma just a waiting, cause I heard that this feeling won't last

that long

[Chorus 4X]

[Shaznay]

You can tell me to my face

You can tell me on the phone

Ooh you can write it in a letter babe

Cause I really need to know

You can tell me to my face

You can tell me on the phone

Ooh you can write it in a letter babe

Cause I really need to know

You can write it in a letter babe

You can write it in a letter babe...