Hi. I'm Jax. And I'm an addict.

...to love, mostly, although more specifically to the people I love, to surroundings and situations that I enjoy, and *twitch* to hydrocodone. Yes, that would be the main ingredient in Vicodin and Vicoprofin. It really irks me that I wake up with the first thought in my head being 'I'm glad I'm not at the hospital, I must not have had a seizure during the night' and my second thought being 'I wonder where I put the vicoprofin'. It's REALLY frustrating.

The worst part is that I know perfectly well that I'm actually doing BETTER about it than I was - I've gone from 140 a month to 90 a month and it's still dropping - but I seem to be getting poked at more by people around me. It's as if they expect the news that I'm an addict to come as a shock to me, as if they think maybe I just haven't noticed yet and if they remind me about it that one more time maybe I'll just wake up and stop taking them.

Err, hello?

a) these things are more addictive than cigarettes, b) they are doctor-prescribed BECAUSE I NEED THEM, c) I am completely aware of the rather nasty hold they've got on me, and d) please get your nose out of my business.

See, I AM aware of it. I AM doing what I can to take less, including trying to improve my health so I don't need them at all, and cutting back even when I do need them. I am NOT, however, willing to hear a lecture on why Drugs Are Bad. I got that in high school and it sounded pretty damned silly then, it's not getting any better now.

*sighs, mentally pacing* It... gods. I don't even know WHY it puts me on edge so much... it just bothers me that a lot of the people around me seem to assume that I'm ignorant, that I don't know what's going on with my own body and mind. It's like they think I'm some kindergardener, not someone who has been dealing with pain since age 4, with addiction since around 10, with this particular round of addiction for over four years... it's frustrating.

Yes. I KNOW it's not healthy to be hooked on painkillers.

I have a few people close to me, my boys and the Grr, whose opinion I'm willing to listen to and whose help I have asked for on occasion to help me deal with the addiction and with the pain. The rest of the world?

FUCK OFF.

I really, REALLY don't want to hear it again.

...and now that I've ranted, I would like to add a few un-ranting updates: the squirrels managed to frequent my dreams and once again to disturb me via the interesting method of falling off the roof right in front of the window when I came into the bedroom after my shower. I spent most of yesterday throwing up due, as far as I could tell, to a complete lack of stomach acid. You know how when you puke, there's that nasty burn? I didn't have that. I LITERALLY had no stomach acids to digest so when I took pills and tried to eat it worked out very poorly. Fortunately, courtesy of several cans of pineapple-orange-banana juice and a wonderful Ryan, I ended up feeling more-or-less ok by the end of the night and although I'm still a bit shaky stomach-wise I expect today will prove to be much more pleasant than yesterday.

Oh, and tomorrow is Mothers' Day. And the day Rie has her game. And the day I'm supposed to not eat past midnight. And... yeah.

I think I'm going to just post this now and go pretend I'm normal for a few hours, that's always good for a laugh or two.