See, if I were in their shoes, I would be expecting better. Hell, even in MY shoes, I'm expecting better.

This isn't something an apology is going to fix either, although this IS in many ways an apology. This... it's more than just neglect, it's cruelty of the worst sort, and I am more sorry than they are likely to know or believe.

I need them, you see.

I need them, need to know they are mine, they are there, just as they need to know that I am there for them and that I claim them. When I'm sick and tired and stressed, I don't manage to make time for what's important, and then everyone suffers.

Not good, not acceptable, not RIGHT.

Before anything else, before anyONE else, before any other committments, there are my boys. And not just my boys, let's get a bit more specific here: my slaves.

Kadin.

Torian.

Caleb.

There are three other names I wish I could add but for various reasons... no. Not appropriate.

But those three, particularly my First Slave, my kitten... he deserves better than this. He deserves to be given the time and attention he needs. He deserves physical, immediate reminders of how much I need him, of how often I've pulled myself out of depression by thinking of his tears, his voice begging, pleading, the feel of his body beneath my hands. He deserves to be used - a slave who is not used isn't bloody likely to feel good about himself, or content, or happy.

If I were a true romantic, I'd set him free to find happiness elsewhere, or free him from his collar, or something else stupid. Yes, stupid. Partly because it just wouldn't work, and partly because it would leave me utterly miserable. Instead, I'm not going to do a damned thing.

Yes, you read that right.

I'm going to keep resting and recovering, and sooner or later he WILL find himself crouching on the floor, shivering, equal parts terror and joy and relief, obeying my commands purely because I want to command him, I choose to command him.

This is always the hardest part, for a slave in this day and age... perhaps for any slave who is owned emotionally, completely. The times when, for whatever reason, they are set aside to wait until their Owner is ready and able to use them again.

He feels as if he's being ignored, thrown away... he's not.

He hurts, but not the cleansing, comforting pain I could give him.

He suffers. Although he doesn't realize it entirely, he suffers for me. He's still mine, still giving me what, right now, I need... still showing, over and over, that he loves me and belongs to me.

This is WHY he is my First Slave, why I treasure him: even at times like these, he is owned, he is loyal, he is mine.

...there is no good way to close this entry - promises for the future too often fall apart, hopes and prayers are just words, here. But when he reads this, I want him to know that I am thinking of him... that right now, my body wracked with pain, tired, aching, and potentially miserable... right now, I am smiling, thinking of a small boy whose obedience and bravery and willingness to please me makes even days like this worthwhile.

My boy. My k'adin.

A reason, one of the BEST reasons, to get better. *slight smile* I miss him.