Dead cold hate and a fever in my body, flesh reddened with anger, skin crawling... no dreaming, no dancing, just an arrogant sway-hip stride carrying me deeper into a rage I would have sworn I was beyond. I hate that woman.

And too, I hate myself for falling once again for the lies she spews.

No, not Her. The bitch I want to kill right now is my mother.

Mother.

You'd think that someone who raised you, who adopted you, who is supposed to at least try to care for you, wouldn't devote nearly every minute of what time she spends in your company to finding new ways to make you hurt. You'd be wrong. That psychopathic woman knows almost every button I have and gets a sick thrill out of bringing me to tears, then pushing me further into what can only be called hate. Anger is too calm. Rage is too gentle. This is hate, deep and vicious and I can't tear it out because every damned time I manage to convince myself that she's just... confused, or misunderstood, or that she just doesn't understand that she's hurting me...

...she proves me wrong. She smiles when I'm dying.

I hate her.

Everything she says, everything she does, seems so minor at first. Little things. Some of them, to a stranger, would seem harmless... but because of things she said the day or week or month before, they have a different meaning than what shows on the surface. Some of them are cutting even if you don't know the subtext, and when you add that in they're sharp enough to draw blood. Some are just stupidity - asking me the same f'ing question four times in a day when I answered it the first two times, the third time pointed out I'd been asked twice already, answered it again, and asked her NOT to ask it again... the fourth time I simply said I'd answered it three times already and of course she became angry, blaming me for 'not communicating'... what the fuck?

Oh. And a kicker: she decided it would be amusing to tell Nanashi that because Nanashi was being quiet and well-behaved and polite, she was ACTUALLY being RUDE for NOT arguing when the psychobitch wanted to argue. Excuse me? And Nanashi was being two-faced for being so polite.

Sorry. I get a bit protective of those who aren't so good at protecting themselves.

And I HATE that woman.

She knows how to hurt me and she never, NEVER lets up.

Hurt. Hating. And all I can think to do with it is take it out on someone... myself, my boys, anyone. Can't. Shouldn't.

Will anyway.

There's a song that keeps playing in my head right now, "Slept So Long", by Jay Gordon. It's... pretty.

Soothing.

Not nearly as pleasant, right now, as the knowledge that one of mine is held helpless in my words right now.

Sometimes...

*curls up*

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside