Seriousness
Previous - this entry written on 2001-04-18 at 9:35 a.m. - Next


*le sigh*



Y'know, it actually helps to read teapotica's diary right now. The girl is as ill-health-ed as I am. Quite comforting to know I'm not the only one whose body is falling apart on me.



I've got an appointment with my new Primary Care Physician this afternoon around 1:30. Woohoo. I wonder how long it will take before this one tells me I'm gonna die young? They keep DOING that... one after another.



They joke about it. I joke about it. It's all funny... gotta laugh, or you'll cry.



They say these things shouldn't be happening to me, that I'm too young or too bright, or whatever the fuck they think will cheer me up to hear.



They say that they've got some new wonderful solution. And half the time, the new thing only makes it worse.



They say I should live each day as if it was my last. If this were my last day on earth, what would I do?



I'd be talking to a lot of people. Telling them how important they were to me. Telling them that they'd made a difference in my life, that they mattered, that I loved them.
I'd be making sure someone knew I wanted to be cremated, my ashes taken down to the beach at night, spread in the surf, with a huge bonfire going. I want to go like that... earth, air, fire, water. Finality. Closure. All that crap.
I'd be hugging people a lot. Saying goodbye. I'd pet the cat, and give him a treat, and be nice to him. Bet he'd scratch me.
I'd talk to my parents. Tell them about my life, my loves, my problems. Actually sit down and tell them everything they missed. And because I was dying the next day, it wouldn't matter if they screamed at me or cried or bitched or disowned me. I'd finally have been honest.
I'd have sex.
I'd cry a lot.
I'd regret never actually holding Kadin in my arms, I'd regret not going with Nick, I'd regret bitching at Rhett, I'd regret not spending those extra few minutes snuggling Caleb, I'd regret not kissing Juliet again last night.
I'd wish for one more day, because 24 hours is not enough time to finish off a life in.



I'm glad I don't know for sure when I will die. I hope it gets me suddenly, unexpectedly. I hope people are startled by it.



I hope that someone thinks to throw me a proper wake.



I don't want to die yet. I'm very, very frightened today.

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