I hurt.

There, I've said it... now I am going to forget about it. I'm not going to mention it here online, I'm not going to talk about it IRL. This time, I'm going back to what I used to try... pretending it doesn't hurt. Yeah, I'm going to take my meds. I'm going to DO all the things necessary to get better. But I'm not going to talk about it, ok? If you want updates, ask for them through email and maybe if I'm not feeling too bad I'll even tell you the truth. But maybe not. I am starting to hate myself for how much pain I've reacted to, how much of it I've been showing. I'm tired of it.

So... I stop.

I've finally decided to give Nre the address for this diary. I have no idea what he'll make of it, or if he'll even read it. But it'll be easier than trying to keep him constantly updated on my life, and I really DO want him to know what's going on. He's someone who has started to matter.

No, trust me, he ain't taking Kadin's place. Much as I've wanted him to sometimes, the two are far different. Hell, if I even mentioned half the things I've done to Kadin to the poor boy, he'd turn green and go hide. And he...

...he keeps hurting himself. Badly. You wouldn't think this would bother me, a sadist getting to see a masochist suffer. But it does bother me, and I think I want to explain why.

See, I don't get off just on seeing pain. I have a character online in Furcadia who does - it makes it easier on me to find what I need the few times where pain is my main focus. But what really turns me on is a) seeing someone suffer FOR ME, because I wanted it or needed it or just decided it would be amusing; and b) being able to STOP the suffering if I choose.

Nre's made it very clear that he's not doing this for my amusement or pleasure. This is his kick, his thing, and I'm lucky if I find out about it after the fact.

And stopping him? Better luck stopping a train. The few times I've managed to keep him from damaging himself it's been under obvious protest, and it was almost (but not quite) more of a struggle than it was worth.

See, if I thought for a heartbeat that I could say "I want you to suffer, I want you to hurt for me - draw blood for me, boy, tell me how you feel, what it looks like, let me enjoy it"... Daya, if I could say that and have it work, I'd be in heaven. Or if just once he'd ASK... if he'd recognize that not only would it please me to have control over his suffering, but that I often DO want the same thing he wants... if he'd beg to hurt himself, give me the sort of gift few women ever get... again, heaven.

I think I'm just daydreaming, though. The boy's young, younger than most of my prey. He's stubborn, and irritating, and at times flat-out rude.

So why is it I've kept him around this long? Why is it that I want to affect him not only in play, but in the real world? It's not out of love, I know that much. It's not out of some psychotic devotion, I figured out a LONG time ago that devoting myself to a male was a bad idea.

I guess it's because I see in him the same potential that I saw in Kitten... in my Tortured Artist... in Alex... in Caleb and Rhett, for that matter. He could be so unbelievably beautiful. A prize worth holding on to.

Problem is, I'm reminded of Akasha's story, Butterfly Wings. He's still too young to decide. Much as he thinks otherwise, he doesn't know what he wants yet, or why. Even if I made him perfect, even if somehow I taught him how to be that sweet, wonderful vision... I'd be teaching him for someone else. He wouldn't stay.

And I don't want to loose him, don't want to give him up, so easily.

I think now I'm going to switch topics... I got a letter from someone, and I'm pasting most of my reply, along with the question that spurred it, here.

---

>anyways... ok. I don't know why i wrote this email since I don't have a question. Oh wait. yes i do. :) Did you start having sex with guys at the same time as girls? Cause I know you said like I think 12 or 13 was your first time with a girl?

>JediGold

Me: Hmm... my first CRUSH on a girl was around 12-13, but the first time I really had sex with a girl, not counting my mostly-flirtation with Angel, wasn't until I was in college officially, at age 19. That would be Rie, of the amazing breasts and infinite charm... *purr*

The first time I had proper sex with a male who I WANTED to have sex with was... hm. Technically, Michael, although only once. We had sex far more than once, but everything beyond one occasion was over my protests and occasionally after I tried to fight him off and failed. Rape is almost too nice a word, it was abuse, pure and simple.

Before that, though, when I was maybe 4... I don't remember all the details, thank god, but I know that was when I lost my virginity. The babysitter involved ended up hanging himself. Good riddance. *shrug*

It's almost easier for me to flirt with and have sex with women, a lot of the time - I don't need to either put myself in a submissive frame of mind so I accept what feels like abuse, nor do I need to go all Domme, turn them into slaveboys and pets, before I feel safe and comfortable. Women are just WOMEN... it's kinda nice. With men, I have a very hard time actually 'making love' as the kinder folks say. Either I'm fucking them, enjoying it, and treasuring them because they're willing to submit to me and to let me enjoy it... or they're fucking me, and I'm getting a horrible thrill out of it, and hating myself for it half the time afterward, no matter how much I wanted it and how often I told them it was ok. I may be very open and very willing, sexually, but trust me, it's not because I have some great beautiful life-affirming set of beliefs. It's because I have a really fucked-over mind coupled with an unfortunately strong sex drive. I almost HAVE to find multiple partners of both genders, since with my combination of desires, hang-ups, and mood swings, it's almost impossible to find any one person who really matches me all the time.

Hmm... I think I'm going to post a bit of that in my journal. Hell, why not... congratulations, this entire letter is getting posted. *grin* I think that's the most coherant explanation of my sex drive I've managed in a while.

See what happens when you ask nice innocent questions?

- Jax -