24+ hours of nonstop wow, actually. From one overdramatic, sensationalist, sensual, deranged, or whatever experience right on to the next, wow.

Boy toys and suicide, energy work, past lives, my desire for one particular blade-slender and knifepoint-cruel boy who believes he is merciful, the ache I feel for MY boys, Caleb, Kadin, Nick, Arrasto... all of it blending and flowing, and I am left here speechless and overwhelmed.

Amazed.

I left a mark or three on the boy I played with, nothing serious, nothing binding, but it pleased me to see my mark drawn with crisp black lines on pale skin, then to watch as the whipstrokes reddened the flesh and drew away the contrast of the dark ink.

I bit him a lot.

There were... things... that happened, they aren't mine to tell exactly, I don't even understand all of them, but they happened. I'll leave it at that. They happened and they can keep happening, or stop, I can't affect it.

I worry about Mana sometimes... this is one of those times.

Things that caught at me: furre fantasies. Someone else, someone HERE, who appreciates them! It's just a good thing. Their bathroom is a mess. I really, REALLY want to fuck knifeboy senseless... I want to feel his fingers and his teeth and his blades running across my skin until I can't see straight, can't think straight, can't do anything but cum and keep cumming until I am senseless myself. Long hair is good. At some point, I am going to properly beat this new taste of paradise, I am. Not the pleasure-beating from last night, although that was quite a bit of fun... no, I'm going to have him in tears, draw him through that crucible and see what he becomes on the other side. It'll be fun. I need to get some new collars for use during play. And more locks.

This bothers me: I didn't get my 'morning-after'. There's supposed to be a conversation afterward, with snacks or soda or coffee, little kisses and odd half-embarassed touches, where I get a chance to ask the things I can't ask while I am playing, where I can make sure that I didn't go to far, that I went far enough... I need that closure and reassurance, I need to know that it's still ok the morning after. If it's NOT ok, I need to know that too.

That's a big thing with me when I play, that feedback. Doesn't matter what the situation is... questions like "What are you thinking" and "What are you feeling" seem to tumble out past my lips even when I have decided NOT to ask them... and after, I DO want to talk about it. Not a lot necessarily, not some huge philosophical thing, but I want to know that it's ok and that at least, the morning after, there are no regrets.

*sighs*

Now here's a question for you: would I be so desperate to fuck, to play, to use, to be used, ANYTHING, all of this... if Angel hadn't told me what my worth was in her eyes?

I wish I knew.

I wish I could turn back the clock and just walk away before she said that, not ask, not know, and go on and see if maybe I wouldn't feel so... useless... worthless... if she hadn't told me that.

I wish I could get over her quickly.

Drown myself in men, boys, toys, pets, slaves, loves, until I forget that my heart is nothing but ashes, that's my plan. Ok, no, it's not the whole plan... I know it's not the only reason I'm enjoying this, that's for SURE, I had the sort of orgasm where even biting on a pillow I can't keep quiet, I had a ton of fun, I enjoyed spending time snugglin' with Mana and her catboy, I had a lot of fun hanging out with Grr and just talking, and damn but I'd forgotten how much FUN it is to be the only girl in a batchelor pad, it's a constant guy-fest, it's amazing.

But...

...I also know that my head and my heart aren't quite done grieving yet.

I hate her.