Everyone is getting penguined in the next room... and I am trying HARD to stay sober. If I don't, I will go to sleep, and not have time to finish getting ready.

Yes... I know I won't ever REALLY finish. Gods. I wasted so much time... but it was my OWN fault, no one else's.

I can at least take some pride in that. This time, if I fuck up, it's ME fucking up. All me. And I refuse to let anyone else have ANY of the blame. *wry grin*

Tired. Confused. Frustrated.

My usual state, as you know.

But somehow, tonight it seems wrong to feel like this. I should be excited, happy, eager... but all I am thinking (yes, Scott, you can say I-told-you-so) is "Will this one leave too? Will this one decide it's not what he wants too? Is this just going to be another Alex?"

It wouldn't surprise me if at some point I slip... and call the poor boy Alex. Oh, well... at least kitten'll take it as a compliment.