Came out here. RUSHED out here. Because it was 2:30 and I'd hoped to be online by 2:00. Got Messenter running... and yes, what I'd been waiting for was here.

Now I get to lean back. Let out the violence that was flowing so strongly through me yesterday. I get to taste, for a little while, the ambrosia that is someone else's suffering. *wry grin* Am I coming across as a lunatic yet? Ehh. Too bad. This entry is just for me.

And 'just for me' describes most of what I have in mind. A boy bound, as close to helpless as he can get at the moment... knowing that if he refuses the bonds, he refuses ME... knowing that if he disobeys, he displeases me, offends me... knowing that there is nothing he can safely do but obey...

...and knowing that his obedience can and will take away the very things he is trying so hard to protect; it can steal away any chance he has to communicate with me, it can deny him pleasure, or pain, or both...

And still, he is bound, for me. He will suffer, for me. Do I even need to try to find words to explain how precious such a gift is, how wonderful, how much it means to me? It is NOT something you find every day... certainly it's not something easy to obtain. Few people would ever give me what he does. Fewer still would do so for the REASONS he does. He pleases me.

And yet...

...and yet...

...there seems, suddenly, to be something missing. I suspect it is the rage I held so tightly yesterday. It fades...

...and it doesn't help that my body has discovered an all-new form of agony during the night, one that I can't see a doctor about until I am back in Oregon, one that kept me up most of the night, feeling miserable... that definitely doesn't help.

I want my rage back.

OW... and off I go to throw up again.