Kadin is slowly reading my old entries, catching up on my life. He's not read any of the kajira or much of anyone else... but then, that might be for the best.

I want him to read my words.

I want to know that he understands me.

It's hard, though... I see him lying there and all I can think about is how wonderful it felt to have his fingers in my hair earlier. How I drifted off wondering what it would be like to wake up underneath him.

*sighs softly*

I am pathetic at times. This, early morning when I should still be asleep, should have gone home last night instead of passing out and letting myself rest... this is when it's bad. I can see the sun rising, and am tempted to lift $10 from the boy, go out... get coffee. Walk. Find myself.

I told the Tygrrr that he's welcome to have his time, his chance... if I find Ragin online, if I can find him at all, he'll get his, if he wants it... see, that's the key.

That's why I don't really have what I need, yet.

Because it's not exactly about what I GET, about what does or doesn't happen... it's about knowing that I am wanted. That I am being USED, that there is some value to me.

I'm feeling rather valueless at the moment, which is always an upsetting sensation.

I gave the boy a taste of that earlier. Let him see what it feels like to be useless.

I don't think he understood.

Maybe if/when he gets to this entry, maybe he'll understand then. Maybe not.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

Nothing matters at 7:00 am when I am tired and sun-lit.