I start off so often with that word, tangle it so often in my entries. Ache. The feeling that's not quite pain, not really sharp, not sudden... it's got depth to it, an almost hollow feeling, something bittersweet. Something you hate to feel, but that you'd miss if it disappeared.

I ache.

I need.

I would like to be asleep right now, covers tucked under my chin, arms sprawled out under the pillow, my eyes closing... tossng and turning against the mattress, feeling its softness beneath me, letting the pain in my back slowly fade out into nothingness as I drift further into my dreams... I would like to be asleep, a warm body beside me.

I'm coming back to myself, it seems... because instead of the warm body of a lover, or *twitch* a Master... now, the only body I want to feel is that of a helpless slave, my hand resting on his head perhaps, or wrapped snug around his waist, drawing him back against me until I can barely breathe from the pleasure and comfort and closeness. I want to pull one of my boys into my arms, to lean forward and bury my nose in his hair, in the crook of his neck, taking in his scent... rubbing my cheek against his flesh, marking him that way as I would have marked him so many other ways.

I want...

...lots of things.

Caleb. Kadin. Torian. Nick. Alex. Drake.

Six names, six men, and although most of them have some dark aspect, some dominant fragment that can shine through... all of them, somewhere, have a part of them that I can hold and trust.

Funny. I have a LOT more self-control just now than I thought I did.

I think most of it is stress about tomorrow. Raven's going to handle the actual pain and fear, we think... she's pretty good at that. But... hours and hours with my mother... I'm REALLY not looking forward to that.

We're a bit hurt.

Haven't heard from Angel. Neither, we are guessing, has Facade. And frankly... I just stopped caring. Screw her. Screw this secrecy and care and protection. I need my boys.

...but...

...little scrap of black nylon and cheap steel around my throat...

...self-control.

It's self control that is keeping me from ripping it off. It's self control that is keeping me from killing the two people who made sure it would be there.

Oh, I know it's got good reasons for its presence... and I know that I would not be better off without it YET.

But that IS a yet, and do not think otherwise, not for so much as a second.

My hands are shaking. My arms trembling. My eyes keep unfocusing. Everything I feel is... tangled.

Worried about a lot of things.

A lot of people.

And yeah, I know, this rant really isn't anything new. Some days, it seems I'll never grow up, never get past these same few ruts that I seem to be stuck in.

...why am I, ~I~, nearly in tears simply because I know that Kadin was online and didn't write? I don't write to HIM every time I'm online, certainly... I'm forgetful myself... I know he doesn't have regular internet access and would have been rushed... I know that he said he'd get in touch soon, but didn't say when...

...and I know that although part of me will accept all those reasons, a little bit of me feels so very cold now... a tiny fragment of me dead.

In some ways, it's a shame it is only that little fragment.

I have to deal with my mother tomorrow, you see... my mother, and another I.V., and goddess-only-knows what else. I'm terrified of that. I'd... *sighs, shaking her head*

I had hoped that he would realize how frightened I am and how much I hate this, and at least TRY to get in touch before I left tomorrow... email, or call tonight since it's game night, or something. Anything.

...instead, silence.

The cage is set up in my room again, taking up the space on the floor where someone could have slept. The cage is empty except for one pillow.

The cage will stay empty.

Thank god that at least one of my boys is still here, still soothing... right this second, I need one of two things... and re-reading his entries, the latest few particularly, seeing his submission... is almost enough to be one of them.

The other?

*shakes her head*

...not something useful. Not something I can have. Not something that could EVER be had over a phone, from miles away.

I have fewer scars/potential scars, now... I joined a few of them into longer scars.

I think I'm going to go throw up.