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Previous - this entry written on March 03, 2002 at 6:30 am - Next I'm a slut. I think we've covered that topic to hell and back, yes. Slut. A good one, usually... you can't have as much sex as I have without picking up a few tricks, and I've actually paid attention and tried to improve. I think I'm a decent lay. And I think that quite a few people have found that out, quite a few times too in some cases. Slut. I don't hesitate to admit it and some days I pretty much capitalize on it, I WANT to be a slut. I like having sex, I like getting fucked, I like fucking, I like snuggles and cuddles and blowjobs and rim jobs and handjobs and all sorts of things they don't mention in Cosmo For Teens. Then there are other days. Look, I'm (underneath the insanity) still just a girl. Just me. Just Jax. And there are some days when sex is the furthest thing from my mind, when I don't want a quick fuck, I don't want to be teased, I don't want to get laid. There are days when maybe I DO want it, but with one particular person or in one particular way, and nothing else really satisfies and I'd rather do without if I can't get what I want. And there are days when it is ALL I want... but I am coherant and sober and rational enough to know that I want it for the wrong reasons then, and that it would be bad if I get it. Now, if you want to get laid and you like the way I look or act or whatever, and you think I might be up for it, go ahead and hint a bit, hell, be obvious. If I'm in the mood not only will I say so but likely I'll pounce you before you can even finish asking. Sex is good. *grins* On the other paw, if I'm not reacting, or if I shy away... it's not, as a rule, an insult. It's just me NOT wanting sex right then, or NOT wanting to be teased right then, or NOT wanting to be Domme right then, or NOT wanting whatever it is that you're offering, demanding, or requesting. I'm female, I'm human, I reserve the right to occasionally NOT be the little whoreslut, ok? Now the problem here is that I am hypersensitive. It's pretty easy to get me turned on and at least somewhat in the mood... push the right buttons, nibble the right spots, and poof - instant Melting Jax, Amazing Hormone Girl. The reason this is a problem is because if you know me well enough to be pushing those buttons and nibbling those spots, you REALLY should be able to figure out that if I'm not reacting at first, or reacting negatively, it means BACK OFF. I'm serious about that. Back the FUCK off. My body. And if I've actually managed to find my tongue and SAY that I don't want it - we'll explain why this is a rare thing in a minute - then by the five million hells, you'd better take that at face value and not even TRY to push the line. I might let it slip a few times, might just assume you're stupid or stoned or drunk or whatever. But you keep it up and you don't get a warning, you don't get hints, you get me going from a bit standoffish to full-blown bitch. And you get NOTHING from me. Nothing at all. Don't even bother asking. Ok. Why is it such a big deal if I say no? Doesn't everyone know how to do that? I mean, I can say no in multiple languages even, and I say no quite a lot, right? Not when it comes to sex, particularly the sort of sex where I'm in a submissive role. A hell of a lot of my self-esteem and self-worth is tied up in that whole sex thing, more than I'd like and less than people seem to notice. It is damned hard for me to outright say 'no' - I feel like I'm being ungrateful, or frigid, or rude, or displeasing, or whatever. I feel like I'm doing a Bad Thing. So more often than not I just hint, dance around it, try to show what I'm feeling without having to SAY it, no words, just eyes that are screaming of pain and a body that is stiff... or more likely, shivering. If I'm shivering, generally, it means I've just gone somewhere cold and dark mentally and as a rule, I DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE. *sighs* So the point of this? No means no means no. Hesitant means maybe means no. Shivering means frightened means no. Not now, no thanks, err... not sure, dunno, it all means NO. I shouldn't have to say this. I shouldn't have the urge or desire to even write this, and it sure as hell shouldn't feel like a need. There should be no reason for anyone, ever, to have to point this stuff out. If there's even a HINT that your attentions aren't wanted, back the fuck off and leave it at that. *shrugs* And I know, I don't always leave it at that. I'm going to try harder not to push, not like that. It feels all wrong. It feels uncomfortable. It feels, for lack of a better term, like rape. Overdramatic... ehh. I don't care. It's late at night, I want to be asleep, curled up safe and warm. I'm not asleep, not curled up, and I don't think I will be safe and warm for a while. Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
