...I...

*sighs again, eyes what seems like an unending amount of white space, which SHOULD have words on it, but doesn't quite seem to*

I'd settle for an honestly meant apology.

But I have this odd feeling that I won't get it.

I don't know why... maybe it's not important enough. Maybe it's unnecessary. Or unneeded. Or uninvited. Or whatever.

I don't even know if I'm going to be able to stick to my guns for as long as I said... I don't want to have to. I miss him already.

I shouldn't.

I shouldn't miss someone who doesn't seem to give a damn about anything except hiding and/or burying whatever is important, running roughshod over things that matter, and generally chasing away everyone and everything he cares about. It's SILLY to miss him. I miss him anyway.

How the hell can I be so irritated by someone's behavior and yet miss them so much?

*growls softly*

...I'd hoped, maybe, to get over to visit Grr and hang out with Scott. Can't. Well, I could if I wanted to ride the Max, an evil form of public transportation that is cold, scary, loud, and would be very incredibly lonely, which right now is exactly what I do NOT want. It's raining outside, and I'm having a hard enough time convincing myself to even leave the computer, let alone the house.

It's that odd panic, that's part of it. The feeling that things are falling apart, that I don't dare leave what I see as safety. This would be much easier to deal with if things were not ACTUALLY falling apart, of course, but since they are about all I can do is hope for some duct tape.

I would also, of course, like to be pain-free... but it seems that's not gonna happen tonight either. This adds to my frustration, as you can imagine.

I get to sit at home, feeling like a coward, my side aching, my stomach churning, miserable, lonely, and knowing perfectly well that IF I could give up my standards, my rules, IF I could let my guard down, IF I could pretend everything is OK when I'm actually furious (and just a bit hurt, too)... that at least I could pretend not to be lonely then, too.

I know Scott will snicker when he reads this, and maybe Rhett too, but I respect myself too much.

I KNOW most of my flaws. I may not do much about them, but I know 'em. And I know my strengths too. I know that I am a determined little bitch when I really want to be... and this is one thing I want to be a determined little bitch on.

Either I get an explanation, an apology... or I get to be miserable for weeks. *sighs*

I'm an idiot, I know.

But that's just how it goes.

Take it or leave it.