Jax Raven says:
*nuzzles you gently, reading various weblogs and trying to knock her head the hell OUT of the rather odd place it's gotten into*

Arrasto says:
Tell me about this odd place?

Jax Raven says:
It's a very warm place... heat, the sort you associate with old furnaces and bonfires and crowded rooms. Dark, too. Very few lights, and those are mostly torches, black smoke masking half their brilliance, and the occasional shower of sparks or flash of moonlight.

When I'm there, I stop... I guess the best way to put it would be that I stop caring about realities. About cold hard facts. All I can focus on is a set of images, or a sound, or some thought or need... something that's caught my attention, and for a while, nothing else seems to exist.

Usually it's about a want... or about a need... something that I long for so strongly that even though I know in reality I can't or won't have it, I am unable to tear myself away from thoughts of it.

The more I think about it, the more I want it... and the more I want it, the more I think about it.

*shrugs* It's like being trapped in someplace truly unpleasant... except it's NOT unpleasant, that's the worst part. It feels so comfortable there, in the dark and the heat. I don't need light because I know where everything is. No need for clothing, masks, disguises... it's warm and hidden, safe.

It's a hungry place, though. There's always those images, those sounds, those flashes of ~almost~ what I want, ~almost~ what I need... no matter how pleasant it is, it's still a void, a gaping hole that something has to fill. It sucks in my thoughts and my dreams and my hopes, when I don't fill it with what wants to be there.

And right now all of those images and all of those sounds are building up to one very overwhelming need that I KNOW I can't fill, can't satisfy... so I'm sitting here, trying to fight my way out of this place, before I loose just that much more of my pride and my hope and my joy. It eats at my will to live, it tears at everything that keeps me going. I hate it.

And I love it... because I know how sweet it is when I DO fill those needs. I know how blissful the pleasures are, how wonderful the joys are, how worth-while it makes life when I CAN satisfy the cravings.

Arrasto says:
What cravings are those?

Jax Raven says:
Cruel ones, harsh ones. I want to watch someone crying, knowing that I caused their tears, knowing I could stop the tears, knowing that when I choose to do so I can make it better... but NOT making it better, not yet, savoring every single crystal drop.

Arrasto says:
Why?

Jax Raven says:
Because there's so little I can control, so little I can change, so little I can FIX, in my life. Because tears are so beautiful... and I can't cry when I need to. I cry at odd moments, but it's never purging, only a few drops leaking out and then my emotions stuffed back in. Watching, hearing, ~feeling~ someone else cry gives me a release and a cleansing that I can't seem to find inside myself.

Because there's something precious and wonderful about pain, something purifying... not the stub-your-toe or the sore-throat kind of pain, but the kind that only comes at the hands of someone you love, someone who loves you, someone who MATTERS in your life.