Safe.

I know... I KNOW what kind of a monster I become. How hungry I am. How deep my words, my knives - is there any difference between them? - can cut. I know, and I cut deeper, push further, hurt more anyway. Tear them apart.

And then after... how do I explain this? How can I find words to tell them that the vicious, hurtful, hateful creature who prowled 'round the edges of their soul, ripping and clawing and leaving them in emotional ruins... that the same woman is now curled up inside herself, crying just as hard as they are, her tears soaking into her skin, into the velvet tunic she's draped over herself to help her hide, her sobs setting her body to trembling with every breath.

You can't... or at least, I can't. I don't know how. I'm trying here, hoping it comes through, praying it makes sense. The same person who causes so much pain - me - I feel as if a thousand knives have been driven into my own heart, a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach, guilt and sorrow and sympathy and care and an unending desire to at least try to repay my love, my slave, for the wonders he has given me and for how perfectly alive he's made me feel...

...mother, nurse, lover, friend...

...Mistress, Lady, Rahani...

...it's just me.

The cruelty too, yes, but... please, please see this, please understand, please... this too is me, the one who would give anything to hold you, to kiss away your tears and take away the pain, to make it all better, all ok... to keep you safe, to draw you back, to make everything good and right again.

You do so much for me and I DO see it, I DO feel it, it means the world to me.

And now... now when I want nothing more than to make it better... I don't know. Distance. No trust, not in me, not after how much damage I've done.

I know. I understand. It's... fair.

Please, though. Please... if you need me... if you want me... if I can do anything to comfort instead of hurt... if you want... please let me.

Proud, cruel, heartless bitch... and I would beg, if I thought it would make any of what I need, any of what I do, easier for you to bear... if I thought it would help you heal.

You have my pride. You have my love. You have my promise of protection and care, always, always.

Please don't forget that.