I took the shit that's supposed to help bladder infections (I can feel one coming on) and usually it tastes good, no bad aftertaste, just sweetness and then it's gone... but not today.

Being sick screws up everything.

I got another hour of sleep after I went off to bed... snuggled up to Caleb, tossing and turning only a little. And I got a whole seven hours earlier, thank the gods. So I feel... rested. Sort of.

Still tired, of course. I don't think that is going to change until I feel BETTER. So I'm dead tired, but I can't sleep. Can't even lie down. I stop breathing if I try.

Which is why I am thinking a trip to the doctor - good. See, they might give me USEFUL cough-cold-flu medication, the stuff you can't get in stores... and they might do something about the bladder infection that would involve Vicodin... which I don't really NEED but dammit, I feel lousy and want just ONE good day, please. Vicodin would provide that.

I'm a substance abuser.

Cough syrups. Cold medications. Over-the-counter painkillers. Antihistamines. I do 'em all, in huge doses far too often, mixing them with little thought as to the consequences.

I've gotten REALLY bad about it - I mean, it used to be an occasional thing. Now it's as if I am living on them.

I want to go to the doctor so I can get BETTER... so I stop having an excuse.

Because I need to quit. I need to go a month without taking ANY medication. I need to prove to myself that I can do it... and I know damn well that I can't do it right now. I hurt too much, I feel too horrible, I have too much trouble breathing and sleeping.

I need to get this fixed, and I need to get it fixed SOON.

Monday I go in to do paperwork, hopefully. I keep telling myself that. I gotta make it until Monday, I gotta make it until Monday.

It's getting bad... I haven't, until now, really explained the badness. I've been trying to deny it, whimpering and whining yes, but...

...I coughed up blood.

That's why I am so desperate to NOT cough, why I want it to stop.

It feels like there are little knives in my throat and my stomach, bad ones.

The blood stopped, the last few times I hacked and coughed it was just normal grossness, but... that time... it was NOT cough syrup colored. It was the icky dead-red that you only get with blood. And it HURT.

And I'm scared. Again.

Still.

I'm scared because after six advil, two asprin, three alieve, a dose of NyQuill, a dose of Robitussin, and two antihistamines... I can still feel how badly it hurts to swallow. Or breathe. I can still feel the pressure on my lungs. The discomfort in my stomach. The heat and hurt in my chest. Little x-acto knives traveling up and down my throat, scraping and tearing... *shudders*

It REALLY hurts now, and that always scares me.

With my pain tolerance... ok, I'm a wuss at times, yes. A lot of things hurt me. But usually with something like this, after a couple days it settles into... a routine, almost. It's like nothing, then. It still sucks but it doesn't get WORSE.

This is getting worse.

If it gets into my ears, I'm screwed. If it's strep, I'm screwed. If it's anything serious... I'm screwed.

I really don't like this. And yes, I could just be paranoid - I get that way about my body, for VERY obvious reasons. I really hope this is just me being paranoid.