...and it's not about you. It's not about anything. My place - what there is of it - is yours. Tell me you need me and hey, I damned well try. But don't expect me to give up a good night's sleep, a smile, a chance to help out a friend, a good fuck who doesn't even touch my buttons, two small children who need watching, peace, safety, comfort, all of that, just because the Same Damned Thing We Do Every Night is going down. No thank you.

Not so unsent... I'd thought about putting this as an unsent letter. Thought about it. Won't. I'm tired of this crap and tired of this frustration, same as you are, boyo... I'm not out to piss you off, I'm not out to use you. I've got enough people pissed off at me already, and I so do not need to add you to the list.

Look, if you want to talk, you know how to find me, yes? If you need something, whatever it is, ASK.

Please don't expect me to toss out a hell of a lot of goodness for another night wishing I had my bed to myself...

...yeah. Harsh. I'm not sorry. I'm sorry for a LOT of things I've done over the past week, even a few that I don't remember consciously doing, even a few that I know I DIDN'T do. I'm not sorry for wanting to feel safe and at the moment, you do not count on that, you know me too well.

Branding.

Good god, if I was going to brand someone I would do it f'ing WELL, it would be pretty and it would be final and it would be beautiful drastic clashing and chaos all formed into visual symphonies and riots of colortouch... it wouldn't be some half-hearted doodle or half-explained fantasy. I'm not...

...oh, fuck it...

...I'm not you, lass. I'm honest where you seem determined to lie to yourself and others. I'm caring where you are selfish. I'm fucking NORMAL next to you and believe me, Jax being normal isn't a usual or healthy thing.

No. I'm not perfect. I'm not NICE. I'm not kind, I'm not caring unless I think it's useful or important, I'm not honesty when I know that the truth will only get me and the people I DO care about fucked over, but...

...argh.

Screw this all.

I teach photoshop class tomorrow and I need to have actual useful class stuff up by midnight-ish. I'll manage that.

Then I'll, tomorrow, kill U.S. Bank and the college for apparently NOT SENDING THE PAYCHECK THROUGH, bastard people. Crash boom fritz and I am broke and stranded - Grr, you are amazing.

I was happy last night.

I just want to state that, for the record, that infamous Record I keep talking about. Not perfect total nirvana, worrying about Caleb and Kadin and Arrasto and Daris and Drake and Hida and... yeah. You get the picture here. But.

But.

...and pay attention here, Scott:

I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. I felt good. No pain. No fear. No frustration. No worries.

*grins faintly* No sheep here.

I like that.

'Scuse me if I enjoyed it. 'Scuse me if I'm not caring enough about whatever today's drama is - you all know me, I have enough drama in my life to drown a whale, and really, although I'll talk about it and bitch about it, do I honestly expect other people to care and get involved? No.

My madness.

*shrugs* yeah. Serious TROUBLE, or the nifty happy moments, JOY, or pleasure or sorrow... it's meant to be shared. But it's not... argh again... words. Where are my words?

It's not LIFE.

Life is what happens when your plans change. Life is what happens when you blink. Life is what happens from moment to moment to moment and it's not about some big drama or anything else, it's about THAT MOMENT. Nothing more, nothing less.

Enjoy the moment.

Live in the Now.

Carpe Diem.

*grins* Grab The Fish. That's what life is.

That's what I am doing.

For all I know, the check will stay fucked, or Mana will slit my throat in my sleep, or I'll die in a bus crash, or Kadin or Arrasto will decide to go and I'll follow them off in a moment of depression... I don't know.

I just know I'm happy out here, right now, and I don't intend to feel guilty for that any longer.

This rant went on WAY longer than I'd intended. *blinks* Ehh. Stress release. And now I'm going to go play Hallelujah at Spike-boy. He already decided he likes Splashdown... as if there was any doubt.