To The Shadow
Previous - this entry written on November 05, 2002 at 12:43 am - Next


Prove yourself.

Yes, as the boy said, you did something good. You agreed to something.

From my point of view, you had already agreed once to this, and failed to follow through.

The boy says that you failed to follow through because you misunderstood.

Here's what I have asked for:

1) Your submission.
This means, TO ME, that you do nothing that would undermine me, my control of this body, my control of my boys, etc. This means that you speak politely and respectfully to me, you ask for things instead of demanding them, etc. This means that you do not do things that you know will upset, hurt, frustrate, irritate, or annoy me. This means that when in doubt, we do things my way.

2) Your obedience.
This means, TO ME, that when I give an order, you obey it. No ifs. No ands. No buts. When I give an order, you obey it.

Now, as I understood it last time around and, apparently, as you understood it last time around, the REASON you are giving me your submission and your obedience is to keep me comfortable, to keep me from panicking.

According to the boy, you took this to mean that you only have to follow orders if they directly STOP you from pushing my buttons or tell you to stop doing something that is bothering me.

However, here's how I meant it.

In order for me to feel comfortable around you, I have to feel safe around you. In order to feel safe around you, I have to trust you. And in order to trust you, I need to KNOW that a) when you promise something, you mean it, b) when I tell you to do something, you'll do it, and c) you have my best interests at least somewhat in mind.

Your submission would have taken care of 'c', there... and your obedience would have taken care of 'a' and 'b' both. When you disobeyed what was a damn near harmless order because you felt it would 'make you into a slave', because you didn't think it was NECESSARY for my comfort, you guaranteed that all three of those were missing.

You cannot read my mind. You do NOT have the Final Answers to what will and will not make me comfortable.

You promised obedience, and refused to obey - I define that as lying to me, since it sure as hell wasn't telling me the truth. Nowhere in our conversations (and I have them saved) did you say "I'll only obey orders that I think will make you comfortable". NOWHERE. The ONLY time you tried to put a limit on this was the 'make you into a slave' bit, and... well, here. Read.

Jax says:
Submission: you obey the orders I give, you don't push my buttons, you don't hurt my boys (or anyone else) without my permission.

Jax says:
When nanashi is out, we won't interrupt. When we want our boys, we get them.

Facade says:
...unless I am already with another pet of mine. That little bit, as I recall, was not a part of the trump card--if each of us wishes to call the slave in the other, you win on ties, as you put it.

Jax says:
*shakes her head* When we want our boys, unless you're with nanashi, we get them.

Facade says:
*Sighs, then waves a hand* Fine. We'll get this over with with as little chance for a breakdown as possible.

Jax says:
*nods* 10 minutes until I leave to go pick people up.

Facade says:
Submission: Other than in the ways I see as favorable, you do not attempt to make drastic changes in me.

Jax says:
*shakes her head* So the first time you do something to piss me off, and I tell you to stop, you decide you 'don't see that change as favorable'?

Facade says:
*Shakes his head* I'll not play games with interpretations of rules. MY intent is simply to prevent you from trying to make me into a slave.

Jax says:
I won't agree to your loophole... but I won't try to turn you into a slave, either.

Facade says:
*Finally nods, accepting* The purpose of my submission to you is to provide me with the skills I'm looking for, and provide you with a significant amount of peace of mind.

Jax says:
And when it's full of loopholes and such, it doesn't give much peace of mind... so. As it stands.

Facade says:
*nods* What I was leading into...we can agree on what I said last, yes?

Jax says:
Yes.

Facade says:
And if the next, solid rule, is that neither of us searches for nor attempts to use any loopholes. Period. Or the entire deal is off.

Jax says:
*NOD*

Facade says:
I think that, even between us, we can use the honor system to what constitutes a loophole, yes?

Jax says:
*nods again* 4 minutes.

Facade says:
Before you go, then. I submit to you.

Four words. "I submit to you."

And did you, really? Did you give me ANY reason to believe that your submission is something I can trust, and therefor something that makes me feel safe, comfortable? No. I gave you an order. Not a hard order. Not a complicated order. Simply told you to stay off the chair, off whatever other furniture Kadin was also denied. Hell, you'd think that would, if anything make life easier for you all in there.

But you argued. Said I was giving orders that I would give to a slave, and that therefor I couldn't give them to you.

I have ordered Kadin to kiss me. To smile. To fetch me a glass of water. To read things, to say things. I have ordered Kadin, my slave, to do just about anything that is worth ordering. That doesn't mean that those orders can only be given to a slave.

If you were giving me your obedience as we discussed, if you were going to obey the orders I give, it wouldn't matter what orders they were. I promised you that I would not make you into a slaveboy... but you agreed to try to keep me comfortable and safe, that whole 'peace of mind' thing again. The whole goddamned POINT of that obedience is that when I KNOW you will obey, I don't HAVE to give you orders, I don't HAVE to panic, I don't HAVE to turn into defensive bitch-girl. I can sit back, teach you, and smile as you deal with nanashi, or anyone else you happen to have handy.

You didn't obey.

You didn't follow through.

Even with what the boy tells me was YOUR understanding, that you were ONLY going to obey orders necessary for my comfort, the order I gave still should have been obeyed.

And now... now... here, another quote:

've a little better understanding of what you meant when you said, so long ago, that you have a habit of pushing away any males in your life who weren't slaves.
Such an involved effort to create a system we can both live with, to get along...and then a disagreement over the connotations of a word. And rather than try to sort out the word, rather than try to fix the problem, the entire issue immediately becomes about how I am a..how did you put it? An "honorless bastard."
Fine.
I have done a lot of thinking, girl. And I am quite convinced that this is exactly the way things will continue to go if I try to work with you under my own terms. It's your own way or nothing--anything else and you will manage to press accusations of lack of intent onto me, and throw away any progress we might make.
I haven't spoken to you because I know damn well that it would prick my ego to talk to you right now, make the choice I'm trying to make that much harder. Submit to you under your terms, or lose my girl.
And I have come to a realization. I want my girl, not just because she is there, because she is my favorite. I won't let you kill her.
I want to protect my slave.
- updated 9 days ago.
I don't intend to let that number climb any further.
I give up trying to work with you to come to a consensus. You don't have it in you. So no more working at it. You've won. The agreement as you understood it last, stands.
Starting as soon as I've had two replies to this. One from you, one from nanashi.

You've gotten your reply from nanashi, in her journal... you've gotten your reply from me. But you still don't understand.

Do you hear that? Can you SEE THE WORDS ON THE SCREEN?

YOU - STILL - DO - NOT - UNDERSTAND.

And I am going to keep at this until you DO understand, because otherwise we are both wasting our time.

I did not trust you BEFORE you 'submitted' the first time. Got that? Pay close attention.

I did not trust you then. You submitted, but apparently misunderstood what I meant, and I misunderstood what you meant, and the end result was that from YOUR point of view you were only semi-submitting and only sometimes-obeying whereas from MY point of view you SAID you were submitting and obeying but weren't ACTUALLY doing either, which was NOT what I wanted and NOT what I thought you had agreed to.

Still following me here?

Ok.

I did not trust you before you submitted the first time. After the first time went so abysmally wrong, I STILL did not trust you. I do not trust you now.

Do you understand this yet?

I DO NOT TRUST YOU. I have seen NOTHING to make me believe that your submission is real. I have seen NOTHING to make me believe that your obedience even exists. I have seen NOTHING to make me believe that you not only mean what you say this time, but mean it in the same way I mean it.

That's why I'm still picking at this.

That's why I am still harping at it.

that's why I won't let it drop.

YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND...

...or if you DO understand, you aren't doing anything to show it.

I want to SEE something.

Whether it's you, kneeling, physically submitting... or an entry, written up, telling me in your own words that you are submitting and, this time, WHAT YOU THINK THAT MEANS, since obviously we weren't on the same wavelength about it last time... whatever it is, I need to SEE something.

This time, "I submit to you" just won't cut it. I don't trust you.

I have no reason to trust you.

Kadin says it's all melodrama.

And you know what? Maybe it is. Maybe this is just a huge melodramatic piece of bullshit. If it is, if you and he think that's all it is, you are welcome to say so and back out.

*shrugs* She's still on the edge, we could push her the hell back in there without ANY problems.

I want you to understand.

I WANT your submission.

I WANT your obedience.

I WANT them... on my terms, because your submission on YOUR terms and your obedience on YOUR terms defeats the entire damned purpose.

You've said that this time, it IS on my terms.

Ok.

Good.

Prove it.

Show me.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I'm not getting fooled this time.

A lot of the time, I will tell Kadin about something, ask him if he would obey, sometimes even TELL him 'this is what you will do'... and when he says 'yes, Mistress', or 'of course I'll obey' or whatever... then I can smile, and hug him, and it's all ok. He doesn't have to do the things.

I just need to know he would.

I just need to be reminded, sometimes, that his submission and his obedience are real.

It makes me feel safe around him.

Are you getting the picture yet?

I need to know that your submission and obedience are real, or I won't feel safe, I won't feel comfortable, I won't feel at peace around you at all, ever.

It doesn't matter if you meant well. It doesn't matter if, last time, you meant to submit and to obey, just on your (unstated and un-agreed-on) terms.

No.

Do you understand yet?

*sighs*

...when will you ever learn?

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