A couple more quick plugs (really, I swear, these are the last for a while) - these people must be read. There. 'Nough said.

On to more serious topics... well, serious for me. See, as those of you who have been paying attention know, I have REALLY shitty health. It sucks. It's gotten worse... I've got a kidney infection now, keeping my kidney stone company. They've got me on massive antibiotics and a few painkillers. Not enough painkillers. Y'all know what wonderful stuff Vicodin is, right?

2-3 of them at a shot, and it STILL doesn't stop the pain. How's that for suckiness when it comes to internal disorders? So by now I'm royally addicted... this stuff is so addictive it's scary, and I've already gotten semi-hooked over the years... at this point I start getting shaky if I don't have it every so often, I've started looking at the little bottle the way a junkie looks at his stash... it's so sad. And I am SO coming close to od'ing on the stuff.

On the other hand, the more of it I use up, the better. See, with my depression, I do not WANT a bottle of 20-30 of those things sitting nearby. I've come too damn close to just downing the whole thing twice already, very bad.

Anyway... time for a rapid subject change!

Kadin. Kitten. You remember him? The boy with the dreamy-sad eyes, the one I couldn't get enough of, my sweet slave? Here, take a good look...

I miss him a lot... but I haven't written to him in over a week. I've barely talked to him. I feel... I feel like I'm neglecting him, and there's a reason for this feeling: I am. I hereby vow to write to him at least once every other day, whether he writes back or not... to try calling him briefly, ONLY briefly, goddess knows my phone bill for this last couple months was just insane... and to remember him as I know he remembers me. He deserves more than that... gods. The boy deserves a far better life than the one I will give him.

At least I know I'll love him... and I will still treat him a thousand times better than he is getting now.

I was thinking a lot about slavery, about breaking, about what I want... Kitten's all tangled up in that. He and Alex pretty much form my ideal slave... obedient, clever, bright, willing to learn, wanting to please, desperate to serve and to be owned... the worst punishment I can give him is to simply send him away from me, not allow him to speak to me or touch me, not talk to him. I like that... I want him to depend on me. I want to be the center of his universe.

I recently saw Elru's character on Furcadia break. He.. Daya, he broke so thoroughly, so completely... and part of me feels guilty, part of me misses how he was... but the largest part of me is pretty much having one neverending orgasm each time I think of it, each time I think of the scene, of the broken words, of the blank, dead look in his eyes... it seems strange, I know. But I like that. I love that. I need that.

I keep being afraid that someday I will do that to someone IRL (In Real Life, for you non-net-junkies and non-RP-ers... and if I have to explain RP and RPG, go away. *wry grin*). I keep being afraid that I WON'T, that I'll never see it.

I keep missing my slave.

Just as much as I sometimes need to be hurt, often more than that... I need someone who is willing to be hurt for me. Someone who is willing to take the pain. Who won't run. Who won't hate me for it. Someone who understands that this IS the best and only real way to please me, that the violence I show IS, right then, the only way I can express anything, love, affection, care... it turns into cruelty, and...

*soft sigh* ...and I need to think of something else.

I'll think about Peeps instead.

Peeps... these things are a god-candy in my book. If you want to bribe me, please me, amuse me, cheer me up, make me all bouncy-happy-silly, just plain OVERJOYED... give me peeps! I have no idea why I like the damn things so much, but I do. They are amazing. Little marshmallow birds, with colored sugar... NO, I don't like the rabbit ones, YES, I prefer the yellow ones, although the white and purple are my second and third favorites, in order.

One of my friends, Juliet, used to work in a movie theater across from a Fred Meyer's... she and her co-workers used to have Peeps jousting competitions. To do this, one needs two peeps of different colors, two toothpicks, and an easy-to-clean microwave. I say easy-to-clean because if the damn things catch fire or burst, cleanup is HELL.

Anyway... you put the peeps facing each other, each with a toothpick in it, and turn the microwave on... being marshmallows, the things swell and swell... the winner is the one whose toothpick first punctures the other peep. *grin*

Tending the concession stand of a movie theatre is a VERY boring job, did I mention this?

Peeps are wonderful things. According to the packages, they are considering releasing them other than just at easter... oh, I hope so, oh please let it be true... *bounces up and down hopefully*

Anyway... this is getting to be a decent-sized entry. What next? What else haven't I written about that I really should? Hmmmm... oh, the same fellow who said Lactic Beauty came up with another great one... Porcine Fatty Goodness. *wry grin* I swear. His name is Mario, you can watch his two shows, Molto Mario and Mario Eats Italy (he really DOES) on the Food Network, which I think can be found at www.foodtv.com online. *goes to check this, just to be sure*

Woohoo! I am a clever Jax. That is indeed the address, and you can go here and here to find out about Mario the Amazing Italian Food Deity. *feels very proud of herself for finding useful links... then realizes that these are far from useful, decides to feel proud anyway, fuck 'em all*

Sooo... now I am out of things to talk about for the moment. Tune in later today after I've had some sleep for a long discourse on why I love the men I love, why I am annoyed at a few of 'em, and why I think that there should be more red meat in the world. *grin*

This is me, going away and reading logfiles...