So there was this gorgeous piece of meat at the hospital, all of maybe 15, dark hair falling in his eyes and his body was so fragile, delicate, he looked elfin and his eyes had that cold ache that you only see when someone is hurting TOO much, I wanted to wrap him up and heal his hurts, and then make him suffer all over again, but this time for me, for pleasure, turning cold into hot fire, need and desire, watching him burn for me. I thought he was delicious. Scott laughed at me for this, which was reasonable. *amused*

They stuck me in the donut-tube and whirred it around and made me hold my breath until I was dizzy. They let the vampire-nurses at my arm, blood drawn and body tensed, tears clouding sight, everything was a sparkleblur for a long time. Two procedures that happened with efficience and speed and left me feeling like a little tiny bit of my soul got sliced off, draned out, whirred away, I leave a bit of myself for the vultures each time I walk into that building.

On the way home, after I dropped Scott off, I had to pull the car over briefly. I'd been flipping stations, looking for music, and ran across a spanish Mass, the main guy had this liquid voice, and the women chanting the response reminded me of enya, soft and bitter and flowers... A first for me, I masturbated to a Mass, and it was good.

Thought about Rocky. I want to go next week, dressed up and dolled up and high off life and sharpie fumes instead of medication and depression. I want to wrap myself up in attention and touches and blades and flirtation, I want it to mean nothing at all but satisfy everything, I want the world from a tiny theater and a handful of people as crazy as I am, and they would give it to me, is the thing. They would hand it over on a silver, leather-lined platter.

Been reading a diary, and now I want to wear my strap-on. Want to use it. There's this way that I rock my hips, and it moves just a little bit, and rubs against my mound, and it feels like instead of just a bit of plastic and latex, it's actually ME, as if it's an extention of me. Not sure why I want that - I don't want to be male right now (although I will gladly be a gentleman if I can call myself Julian *grins at someone*), I just want to fuck someone and watch them whimper and moan and cum.

There's new design forming on my hand. It's sharper, this one. It's going to speak more of blades and less of growing things than the last one did. I want this one to cut a bit, so to speak... I want it knifepoint beautiful with that hint of desperation that only shows up occasionally.

Somehow I feel like Dru tonight. *shrugs*