You know you're pathetic when:

You're reading IRC logs and you see a random handle and think either a) Damn, I miss him/her, or b) Hey, that's the prick I booted X years ago.

*curls up, shaking her head*

Y'know, Scott's been right about one thing: if I could get the fuck OVER Angel and Al-X I would be having one hell of a Life Improvement Moment. Maybe I should go talk with... no. She's gone to bed. Lucky girl. Ehh. Sheep is for the meek.

*listens to Mr. Jinx yet again, addicted, shaking, lost in memory and the regrets of 10 years of life* See, I keep saying 'no regrets'... but I look back... and keep wondering what would have happened if I'd done things just a bit differently... a bit more money, a bit more truth, a bit LESS truth, a bit less amusement, a bit more determination, a bit more courage, a bit less stupidity... where's the line between a good change and a bad one?

I don't regret having the life I do now, really. Parts of it suck, sure. But... dammit... it's OK.

Still.

I wonder.

...I wonder...

...where would I be now, if...

Montreal? Manzanita? London? Lisbon? Or 6 feet under, in a small, cold box?

I don't really know. I never will. But sometimes, when it's late and I'm dreamwalking, I can't help wondering as I feel myself brushing against those alternate lives, different choices... what if... just... what if?

Al-X, I wish I knew you were ok.

Angel, I wish you knew how I felt, and cared.

Michael, I wish I'd killed you.

Amber... no. I don't wish I'd kept you. But... what if you hadn't been born?

What if ~I~ hadn't been born?

...what if?

*wanders off to dance the skyline, curious, uncaring, distant... ignorning the crystal-clear tears that stain her cheeks*