I Am The Updating Fiend
Previous - this entry written on May 16, 2003 at 8:57 pm - Next


I think it's some sort of twisted masochism. I keep playing the songs that I know will only drive me deeper into myself. The ones that sting.

Right now, I rather think I need the sting, though. I need something to jar me out of my holding pattern, to get me to DO something, anything. Hell, I decided to clean the room today and only got a quarter to a half of it cleaned. Sad. *shakes her head*

I'm popping pills like nobody's business... at least most of them aren't painkillers, they're just various anti-things. Kind of a shame. This is the sort of night when I really just want to pump myself full of painkillers so I won't know if it hurts, pop a cd or three into my pocket, grab a discman and just walk. I walked from Gresham-edge to downtown once, just because my life was so tangled and terrifying that I couldn't stand the thought of holding still. I've walked all over. Parks, NorthEast, hell, I've walked down MLK in the middle of the night, and if you don't know how desperate a girl has to be to walk that street in ANY town after dark, you're not paying attention.

I want to walk, tonight. Barring that... ehh, sex can sometimes be an excellent substitute. Motion, sound, contact. I know perfectly well that if I'm home and even remotely awake when Ryan gets back tonight I'll end up pouncing him. It bothers me.

Why? Simple: it has nothing to do with love, nothing to do with affection, nothing to do with pleasure. It really honestly might as well, for the most part, be anyone else in the whole household.

I won't be alone, but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely...

After... after, when I'm curled up beside him, body spent, voice little more than a whisper, my hands trembling and my eyes slammed shut against the sharp fragments of someone else's reality that I stumbled into... after, it will be love and affection.

These are the nights that worry me the most. Not suicidal, not really as lonely as I may seem, certainly not as distant as I act. Just... longing. I don't know what for, I've never figured that out. I'm fairly sure that whatever it is, it's just my mind and my hormones (have I mentioned I should have my period in less than a week?) playing really nasty tricks on me, and it goes away after a long hot bath, a good lay, and a night (or more) of good quality sleep. That said... just because I know it's all in my head doesn't mean it isn't hurting. All pain is basically your brain passing messages, and believe me, the current round of messages is depressing me.

Went to log onto messenger... saw someone who is something of an old flame, definitely a friend, and who I haven't talked to in far too long...

...and, like the coward I am being today, I disappeared.

*sighs, shivering* I want a different brain.

Oh, and hey - if I listen to music for more than a half-hour I get a migrane and my entire jaw starts throbbing. Go figure.

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