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As requested: The Care And Feeding Of Vibrators (Stop Poking Me). This entry is for those of you who have a female Significant Other who is not terrified by the idea of electricity near her girlie parts. No, I don't care if you think you know everything there is to know about pleasing her. No, I don't care if she oohs and aahs when you use toys on her already. Odds are good there's at least one paragraph in this entry that will be news to you. *grin* Just read, k?

We shall start with The Toy.

There are so many vibrators out there, aren't there? You have big honkin' hunks of neon plastic, gooey jelly wiggly things, butterflies and sea creatures that can be strapped onto someone, egg-shaped, spiral, metal, rubber, disguised as candy or lipstick, shaped like a cock or shaped like the sick love child of an alien and an Apple computer, one-speed, multi-speed, you name it, they make it. This is good for her, as she can play with herself in all sorts of ways... but bad for you. Show someone a huge case full of assorted vibrators and it's pretty much a given that their first pick will be the one their partner will like the least.

Start simple: you don't want a mushy vibrator, those make it hard to get the buzzing to the right spot. You don't want a cutesy theme vibrator or a vibe - typing vibrator out is getting annoying, we'll shorten it - in disguise, even if they work well they'll shake themselves to pieces within a month. You don't want some complicated multi-tip tool, because you'll get distracted by all the options. No leather, no lace, no straps, no pearls, no whiskers or tails, no glow-in-the-dark, none of that.

We're going to start with the basic. Simple, clean, easy. Hard plastic, so there's no dampening of the vibrations. Cheap, because believe me, there's no way to stop a vibrator from breaking eventually. Easy to clean, just wipe it off with a damp cloth and maybe an alcohol wipe if you have 'em. The end you'll be holding turns to turn on and adjust the speed of the vibe - you can do anything from a faint rumble to OMGNASCARTRACKRACINGINMYBEDROOM, but you'll usually find that a speed about 3/4 of the way to UberVibrate is perfect. Slide a non-lubricated condom over it starting at the tip, knot it, turn it on, and off we go!

Ok, you have a vibrator, it's got fresh batteries, it's buzzing away, and you're confronted with The Pussy... what do you do?

No, no! Put... stop... no! You do NOT start shoving it in and out of her like it's your own personal butter churn. Surprisingly, the inside of the pussy isn't where it's going to do the most good.

Y'know that huge hunk of bone that keeps your hips moving, that pelvis thing? That bone, the lovely little blossom we call the clitoris, the extremely sensitive skin around the anus, and if you have two of 'em, the spot where thighs meet body, that little crease there... those are the four points where a vibe will do some good. Anywhere else, be it pussy lips, breasts, toes, mouth, ears, insides, belly button, whatever, it's not likely to do more than make her have to try VERY hard not to giggle.

When you're licking, fingering, or fucking, most women will be happiest if you pay attention to ALL the bits down there. Vibes are different. Think of it as a single, long finger... use your free hand to spread her lips, make the clit area available... start at the inner thigh and slowly, gently, move the vibe over until it is resting on the hood of her clit. You don't want to pop the clit out from under that hood just yet, if anything you want to keep the vibe far enough above it and on the hood that it won't even maybe pop out on its' own.

Hold the vibe at a pencil-like angle, not pointing straight at the bit it's touching: -| but resting against it: /| . Rub it in tiny circles there, back and forth for a while, using enough pressure to get that pelvic bone humming just a bit. The trick here is to concentrate on deep, bone-rattling moments and stimulation of the clit without actually having the plastic touch it directly. If you just drop a vibe onto an exposed clit it's like dropping a live wire on there, it's not particularly pleasureable, or perhaps it's TOO pleasureable, it's just something that can't be dealt with. On the other side of that coin, if you get the vibe too far away from the clit, whether it's to the side, upwards, or sliding down and inside, suddenly the vibration stops feeling nifty and just feels sorta weird.

Try sliding a couple of fingers inside, back and forth, using them carefully to fuck her while the vibe stays perched on that clit hood. You could even use a dildo here if you happen to have one handy. With your fingering hand palm-up, run your fingertips over the upper wall of her pussy with each stroke, as if you were reaching up to the vibrations. Once your fingers are in, you'll be better able to tell if the vibrations are getting down into the pelvic bone. Play around with that for a while, and she'll be melting into a puddle of girl-goo. *grin*

Again I will point out that this is HARD PLASTIC. If you decide to drop a bit lower, use the tip of it to VERY carefully stimulate the puckered skin, and if you intend to actually slide it in, make sure you've got plenty of lube. Unlike flesh or a good dildo, this thing isn't going to have any give. If you push it in too hard, too far, or too fast, it's going to be painful for her; let the buzzing relax the muscles there until it can glide in, or don't push it in at all.

If you DO pop it in there, here's a nifty trick: when you knot the condom, also tie into the knot a long piece of string. Lay her on her back, slide it in most of the way, and then fuck her - intense for both of you, AND you can be sure you'll be able to get it back out if in the wriggling and thrusting it accidentally slides all the way in. It's not quite like double penetration, and if she's not comfortable with the vibe in then Take It Out Already, but if she DOES like having it in there, there's no reason not to enjoy it. ^.^

There are a lot of other types of vibes out there that can be fun - I personally love egg vibes, the ones that strap to your hand so your hand becomes the vibe, inflatable ones, and the little Pocket Rocket sort. The biggest thing to remember is to stay away from 'theme' vibes, and stick to ones that have simple, smooth shapes. Texture can be fun, yes, but you're better off finding a way to add texture as something separate from the vibe - wrap it with rubber bands, tuck it inside the finger of a glove, whatever - than buying a vibe just because you think the texture of it might be enjoyable. Once it starts vibrating, what seemed like a good idea can become annoying and even painful.

Always remember that the bone and the clit are where you should focus. Other parts can be fun if you're teasing, but if you just want to get her off? A good hard vibe, high speed, right on the hood of her clitoris, not stabbing or poking, just firmly pressing with a little bit of movement. A couple fingers or a toy slid into her pussy makes it even better.

Once you've tried this, once she's had at least one good orgasm, then you can start experimenting...

...but! Sometimes orgasms from a vibe can be intense enough that she'll actually need you to stop stimulating her for a little while. If she's not screaming 'don't stop', give her a minute or two to breathe, then start again. If she's had an orgasm intense enough that you're a bit shocked by it, give her lots of minutes and ask before resuming. Vibes can knock the wind out of us girls sometimes, there's something about the buzz that's so overpowering, we can't bear to be touched.

I'm going to re-read this and edit it later; right now, having finished this and FINALLY being unwound enough, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

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