Watching Disaster Arrive
Previous - this entry written on December 09, 2001 at 6:14 am - Next


Edit! If you arrived here from a search engine, this link will take you to my actual rant on vicodin withdrawal.

I should be asleep.

I'm not - nothing but ridiculous amounts of sleeping pills affords me rest, of late, and I'm too broke to get the pills. Vicodin withdrawals, stress, upset stomach, pain, worry, fear... it all adds up to a sleepless Jax.

I'm insomniacking and thought I'd share.

Time kicked me off of her island...

I'm really not having a good night. Morning?

Mercy is bad for the vision
Ruthless will clear it away
Have mercy, Archer...

It's odd. Caleb is asleep... and it still feels as if he's not really HERE. I know he is, I know he cares, I know if I go over and demand he wake up and keep me company he WILL... but I know that because I've DONE that. Not tonight, but recently, when the feverdream that seems to be my life was bad enough that I knew I needed someone to keep an eye on me. We have razorblades and I should not be let near them, occasionally. *shrugs*

But yeah.

Comfort is only imagined...
Which direction will you send your arrow?

I'm not doing well.

Have mercy, Archer
Hunger, it's just you and I alone
I'm guessing targets
Take aim and show me what you've got...

I'm not doing well at all, if you can't tell by the fact that I'm quoting Splashdown.

I do, I do, I do, I do, I feel so elated...
Will you, will you, will you, will you...
...please bring me joy?

Odd feeling, this. Being alone, even though I know I'm not, really. Feeling empty, even though I know that I should be full, more than full, overflowing. Aching, hurting, even though I should be getting better. Wishing for things I can't have... will someone explain to me why A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP is one of those things? I thought everybody got to sleep, sometime... apparently, I missed the relaxation bus or something.

Oh, great... Wallflowers, "Sixth Avenue Heartache", if you haven't heard it be thankful, it's one of the most depressing songs... *wry grin* ...and it seems to be cheering me u... oh. Wait. No, it's not.

Not unless these are happy tears, and somehow I don't think they are. Usually I know when tears are happy.

And dammit, they still taste like baking soda or dishwater. What happened to my salt-sensitive tastebuds?

*changes the song... ends up on "Horse Dreamer's Blues"*

Oddly appropriate. Here, let me quote you a bit:

Margerie's wingspans
are feathers and coke cans and
TV dinners and letters she won't send
every race night is shot through with sunlight
trying to hit the big one
one last time tonight
for
drunken fathers and
stupid mothers and
boys who can't tell one girl from another
so she takes her pill
careful and round
one of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down
she's trying to be a good girl
give them what they want...

...Margerie's dreaming of horses...

Sorry.

Well, actually, I'm not. I'm depressed enough that I don't really have the strength to be sorry. I'm saving my energy for things like NOT taking an entire bottle of advil, followed by an entire bottle of alieve, followed by the last of the Midol... this is why I want sleeping pills, not so I can take them all, but so I can take just enough to SLEEP... because when I wake up, life is better. Life is better. Life is better.

I keep telling myself that... but when I can't sleep, it is hard to believe it.

*sighs*

I get mad at people who talk of suicide, sometimes. Yell at them. Ignore them. Encourage them. So why am I talking about it? Not because I intend to do it, I'm still sane enough to avoid THAT. Mostly because it's... pleasant. Thinking about it, that is.

Relaxing.

Like dreaming of winning the lottery, or becoming a princess, or something. That same sense of "It'll never happen, but wouldn't it be nice..."

I know. Pathetic.

I've never really claimed to be anything else, not seriously. I'm a LOT of things, I guess... pathetic is pretty high on the list, though.

*listens to a techno remix of "Fur Elise" and manages something that would be a functional smile if she wasn't still sniffling and if she could actually make the corners of her mouth turn UP instead of just coming closer to being straight across*

Did I mention that tonight is being decidedly unpleasant? I did? Ok. Just thought I'd check.

*pads off to eye the bottles of things she doesn't dare take and wish for the bottles of things she can't afford or just plain can't GET and pray that maybe somewhere someone is happier than she is, 'cos if not, then there is something disasterously wrong with life*

Previous - Next
Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven -
- Do Not Feed The Moose -




Human Pets!

Latest
Older
First

Profile
Cast
Disclaimer

Links
Pants
Porn
Addiction
Blowjobs

Notes
Guestbook

Art
Writings
Bad
Poetry
Collection
The Girls

Old-time
Radio
Techno
VideoSift
The Boxes
#submission

Hosted
at D-land