Depressing. That would be the key word. I am in a LOT of pain, the vicodin seems to have stopped working... gods, please don't let my tolerance have gone that far, please. I'm tired of everything I take ceasing to work after a while. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of all of this.

Right now, I want to be... hm. Not really at home, I don't want to deal with that, I am not in a mood to cope with anything, I'm REALLY not. I want to be curled up with someone, I'm not even sure I care who. Just... someone who won't ask me questions. Who won't scream at me. Who won't tell me I'm a failure, or lazy, or a lier, or stupid. Someone who will snuggle me and pet me and not even expect me to speak. Someone who will ask me to do things, yes... but simple things, things I CAN do, that don't hurt and don't leave me feeling like crap.

I want to be irresponsible today. I want to relax. I want to forget that for a full month now, I've been physically fucked over. I want to be able to dream of Ellensburg snow, of porches, of leaving the airport looking at the beautiful boy beside me, of touching and thinking, of a girl with blue hair... I want all of that.

I want to be imperfect today.

I'm staring at a bottle of vicodin, with some antihistamines thrown in to take care of some horrible bugbite reactions I'm trying to cope with (thank you, :-D). I've taken my second white pill of the day already. I still hurt.

I wish I had my cards... I want a reading right now - five cards, just to understand myself. Earth, the physical... Air, the mental... Fire, the spiritual... Water, the emotional... and the Spirit, the heart of it all. Anyone out there with cards, drop me a line and give me a reading?

Back to work, for now... I'll be updating again later, hopefully. *waits for the vicodin to kick in*