What If I Did?
Previous - this entry written on May 09, 2003 at 1:08 pm - Next


Riiiight.

I'm attempting to clean which is proving surprisingly difficult for three very good reasons. One reason is the combination ache, bruise, nausia feeling that's making life extremely unpleasant (throwing up froot loops is VERY unfun, although exotically colored). Another reason is the shakes, which seem to come side-by-side with a really nasty bout of paranoia... which is only being fed by the third reason: squirrels.

I'm serious, this is kind of starting to creep me out. Right now from where I sit I can see two of them, one in a big pine tree and one on something more oak-ish... they're just sitting there. Staring. At me. Plus guess what? The window here doesn't really close properly. At the moment it's wide open because of a pressure change when I opened the door briefly, but I'm going to close it again.

Why?

BECAUSE THERE WAS A SQUIRREL TRYING TO COME IN THROUGH IT!

This is getting weirder and weirder.

Plus hey, this Sunday is Mothers' Day, and I'm being dragged out to visit my mom and her mom and my dad's mom and my cousins' mom... yeah. *twitch* Since if there is anyone in the world I see as the sort of mom I would be willing to admit to, it's Deb, and since that afternoon is when the first get-together for Rie's Rogues game, I'm sure you can understand why I'm a bit on edge.

Most of that is because right now, I kind of need my mother's help.

On Monday she'll be taking me to the Social Security office so I can get my card, get copies made to send with the OHP packet that I HAVE TO get off on Monday, and pick up the papers for disability.

I've been really avoiding going for that for quite some time - I kept hoping they'd fix the kidney stones issue, that I'd get better...

...but with this whole seizure thing it's looking like 'better' is severely optimistic and 'alive' is about all I can work for just now. Fortunately, like I said right now my mother is feeling about as helpful as she can get (and seems to be blaming the seizures on alternately antibiotics, damage as a child, something I 'caught' in the E.R., and/or an Act Of God), plus I have the most wonderful boys in all creation. I rather suspect that if I didn't know that Caleb, Kadin, Torian, and Ryan would be here for me, I'd be looking for a cliff to jump off of at moments like this. I really can't say this often enough: I love them, I need them, and I thank whatever deities are responsible for granting me their love and care. *nuzzles*

Today, for example, I'm sitting here looking at a still-messy room and trying to figure out where to stash all the clean clothing, where to pile the dirty clothing, I'm still queasy, I managed to bite the inside of my lip something aweful when I last fell down courtesy of the Jello Girl Effect...

...and I'm smiling. Not because life is perfect, not because I'm not in pain...

...just because even when my life is being annoying, I still wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. I've got what I want, I've got WHO I want, and I'm quite content about that.

I actually ended up having a really odd conversation with my doctor when I went in yesterday. I was getting a pap test and while she was down there I asked her to do a STD check (and to do the bloodwork portion of it when I go in on Monday or on Friday), which led into a conversation about my sexual practices... which in turn led to a conversation about polyamory, and polyfidelity. Y'all know more-or-less how confused my sex life has been at times, and it was kind of interesting trying to sort it out in a 5-minute speech for her... but what I ended up saying was (more or less) this:

Like anyone else, I am capable of loving. Most people will love one person, then as their life and circumstances change, love another, and so on until they get married, get divorced, or get dead, as the case may be. I have loved in the past, and MOST of those loves turned into friendships. However, a few of the loves were strong enough that even as my heart and body open to someone new, the old loves remain, just as important and intense as the new feelings. Right now, there is a VERY short list of people I would be willing to have intercourse with - Rhett, Caleb, Kadin, Torian, and Ryan, and yes, that's the order I met them in - and of those five, three are in other countries, one is in another state, one is technically female, one is technically not in a standard relationship with me, and I love them all.

There are a couple other people who, if they were to wander back into my life, I might widen the group for, Elru being the only one who comes instantly to mind. There are a fair pawful of other people I would like to meet, but that I'm not sure a relationship would actually work. Among those, the ones that really stand out are the ones I've had an online relationship of sorts with; Dash and Nre come quickly to mind. *slight smile*

But what it all boils down to is a set of relationships that matter, links that tie me to the ones I care about... sex is, in all honesty, just an added perk. What matters to me is what my heart feels, not what my cunt does.

So anyway, I was explaining this to the doctor (see, I find the point eventually), and she asked me if I thought I would find others later on in life. I told her, rather shocked to realize I meant it, that I thought right now my life was as full as it could really get, that I loved the boys I have now too much to spread my time any thinner, and that I couldn't really imagine needing anyone else in my life. I am, I explained, effectively hooked. I don't want anyone else, I don't need anyone else, and I really doubt my boys want to bring in any more distractions for me. *grin*

Ryan is also dating Becca, a sweet-and-innocent girl who reminds me of me in all the more amusing ways... Torian, I hope, will find himself a nice girl or even a nice boy to at least experiment with since the odds of me being there or getting him here any time soon keep dropping with each new warthreat... Rhett will always have a piece of my heart, and I am trying to get up to visit him for a while, but I will both understand and approve of him having other toys... Caleb REALLY needs to get to know more people in California, and REALLY needs me to be down there with him for a while; he gets as lonely as I do, and has less to distract him... Kadin...

...and here is the one I truly regret, because of all my boys Kadin is the youngest, the one who needs my strength as well as my love, and the one I've not spent much time at ALL of late with. I miss him.

I miss him a lot.

Not that this is really relevant to anything, but I'm going to post it here so hopefully he'll see it. I had a surprisingly pleasant dream before I woke up the the terror that is Squirrel: I dreamed that I woke up with the door to my room opening, that Kadin was standing there, just the way he looked when he arrived the first time... hair tousled, a little bit confused, a little bit worried, a lot excited. In the course of what can't have been more than an hour, I dreamed an entire week+ of him, the two of us wandering around together, introducing him to Ryan and vice versa... he and I and Ryan and Becca ended up double-dating to a restaraunt whose staff consisted of the penguins from "Mary Poppins" and the manager who seemed to be a Llama of some sort... at one point Caleb came up and Rie came over... much fun.

*sighs, stretching* Back to work soon... I'm going to post this, then hop online via Trillian briefly, then go back to shuffling clothing and picking up pennies and wishing for an easy-to-use handy QUIET vaccume.

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