Where Do We Go From Here?
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*curls up quietly*

So many things I want to say.

I want to yell and scream. I want to cry again. I want to throw things. I want to hit things. I want to curl up in a little ball. I want everything to go back to being wonderful.

I have to teach, tonight. Two hours in a classroom. People asking me for advice, directions, help.

No one seeming to notice that perhaps I am not the best person to be asking these things. Or anything.

I thought I had found a way to calm down, to... get some perspective. It worked for a little while... it still works, when I shift the wrong way, when I move just wrong. For a minute I can think clearly, because all of my worries and all of my distractions and all of my stress narrows down to a set of hair-thin lines that burn so wonderfully...

...but that's so not a good solution.

Figured that out too.

Mind you, it took having it more-or-less screamed at me, by me. But I did get it through my head, I think.

So now I'm sitting here - home, finally, so I have my music and my bed, I have a giant pikachu to hug and I have the knowledge that I can just curl up and cry without anyone seeing, anyone hearing... but...

*shakes her head*

I want to know my boys are ok. I want to know he is ok. I know I'm not ok, right now. But that will change. I just want to have at least a little bit less to worry about.

Please.

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