I sat up and said 'I am not going to work today' and I had something damn close to an orgasm, it was that much relief and pleasure and sudden happiness. I hate my job that much, that simply staying home feels so good. I feel queasy and get this nasty little hard knot in my stomach at the thought of going there. Why? Ok, let's list the reasons.

1) I have had 17 different team manager switches since I started working there in late November.
2) They have messed up my paycheck twice already, pretty majorly, once resulting in a late payment on a bill because they accidentally shorted me over $300.
3) There are several people who work there who make me uncomfortable enough that it's pretty much sexual harassment... but since anyone who knows me, knows that I am not exactly blameless, I feel really uncomfortable pointing fingers.
4) I don't have the patience to be yelled at again for things that are not my fault. I don't take being yelled at well at ALL unless it's from someone I recognize and accept as a Dom/me.
5) I am effectively working and out of the house for at LEAST 15 hours out of the day, but am only getting paid for 10.

I think that's a decent enough list of reasons right there. I am in the process of looking for a new job... it's amazing how tempting it is to say 'hm, maybe I should look for that new job somewhere else', or 'hm, maybe I should take a month off and go visit friends and THEN stress about it'... Canada and Indianapolis? are calling me, again. Dammit.

Caleb. Caleb, caleb, caleb. Fiancee, lover, partner, mate, friend... I don't want to leave him and I DO want to leave him. I want... more. Caleb is beginning to grow up, and he's figuring out that I am not what he wants now. It's painful. And it's also almost relieving, because well, in the process of growing up he is deciding also that he doesn't want to be what ~I~ want... and I am a very spoiled Jax. Don't get me wrong - if I can find a way to stay with Caleb and remain happy, I will gladly stay here for a lifetime or three. The boy is one of the best things to happen to me in a lot of ways... he's been there for me. I wouldn't have been happy without him, through a lot of life... I still don't like the thought of leaving him.

I had a long night last night. Hours spent talking to a rather drunk Rhett, debating my own existance and getting knocked around emotionally (and enjoying it, it was what I needed at the time and it left me with a smile on my face - we keep pulling apart then getting back and talking again, over and over, but the end result is still usually a Jax with a smile, eventually... I don't understand it). Lots of time talking to Grr... she keeps saying "Jax, just do what makes YOU happy. You have to worry about yourself, not about Caleb or Elru or even Kitten, you need to pay attention to what YOU need." It's nice to hear. It's kinda an ego trip. Sadly, it's not how I work... I DO care about my friends and the people I love, I worry about them and want to make their lives better.

Of course, having said that, let me also add that I am a very spoiled bitch who LIKES being pampered and treasured, who wants every now and then to relax and NOT have to be the responsible one at all, not even a little bit... I don't want to have to work full-time to support two people, I don't want to have to be the one who makes all the decisions, I don't want to be the one who feels trapped. I don't want that.

Here's why I feel guilty: if the circumstances were right, if someone else was WILLING, ABLE, and CONTENT to work to support me, I would enjoy it. It's two-faced. I would let someone else do something that I am not willing to do myself for very long. Yes, given the chance I would still work at least part-time... I like feeling useful, I want to be a contributor... but I don't want to be the MAIN one. I like Grr's life: she stays home, cleans house, cooks meals, keeps track of bills, all that good stuff... and her mates, Thomas and Alan, are the ones who work, the two of them bringing home their checks and dividing it among all three of them, letting her take care of it but NOT making her feel she has to support them... they take care of her finantially. She takes care of them emotionally, and takes care of the household.

That. I want that. I could DO that. Yeah, I dislike cleaning... but I know from experience that if I feel it's MY place in some way, either because I am the head of the household in some way or because *grin* I am owned by the head of the household, then I can and have cleaned, well and thoroughly. My own room will always be a mess, I like it that way... but I can keep a tidy, well-organized house. I can handle keeping track of bills, if that's the ONLY thing I have to worry about moneywise... see, if I make the money, I want to spend it. If it's NOT my money though, I can be a LOT better about not spending it uselessly and about keeping track of it.

Perfect world? Caleb, Kitten, Elru, Rhett, Vicki, Thomas, Alan, myself, and Vicki's baby... one huge household. Thing is, Caleb wouldn't. I know that already. Rhett most likely wouldn't, he would want to be the head of the household or at the least to share it with me, and... well, the Grr is the Grr. She would not want to share head-of-household with anyone but me. Kitten would, and kitten would be happy doing so... as would Elru, I think, as long as he had a bedroom of his own so we could have privacy. *grin*

Next best thing? See, I've thought this through. I want to go up and stay with Rhett for a week or two, actually STAY with him, with lots of time to talk and noplace to run to, so I can actually have a chance at talking to him without getting uncomfortable and hiding. He... he is good at pointing out what makes me tick and at finding the ME behind the masks... kinda like he is. This scares the crap out of me. People who KNOW me (except the Grr) are dangerous things.

Anyway. A couple weeks with Rhett, hanging out, talking, getting to know him again and just having FUN, the intensely painful, highly humiliating, and very satisfying sort. *grin* After that, going and spending time with Elru, staying with him for a few weeks and really REALLY getting to know him, letting him get to know me... yes, it would be at times frightening... but he's one of the people I WANT to know me. He's going into the military, and is going to try to get stationed in Oregon... in a perfect world, I'd stay with him until about a month before he was going to head up here, then come back here and make sure that by the time he DID get here, I had a part-time (or close-to-home, comfortable full-time) job... most likely teaching or co-teaching with Caleb, or perhaps something secretarial... or even just web design, if I can ever get it off the ground.

After that... here. Oregon. I am happiest here, I don't want to live elsewhere if I have a choice. I want Kitten and Elru to move here, to share a household with me and with Vicki perhaps. I want Rhett to move here, close enough that I can go spend days at a time with him, somewhere where he can be comfortable and happy. I want Caleb to stay here, I want to have long snuggle sessions with him and to hang out and goof off the way we used to, before it all got so formalized and ritualized and so day-in-day-out that it seems... almost lifeless, as if we are just following some old pattern that has lost all meaning.

I want. I need. I want. Like I said... spoiled brat. I know I can't always have what I want... hell, I know that in this case, the odds of me getting anything very close even to what I want are pretty damn high.

I don't care... I can't help but want it - I want to be happy. It's that simple. Jax wants to be happy. I don't think there is anything all that wrong with that... is there?