Worry Rant
Previous - this entry written on 2001-03-09 at 14:52:52 - Next
It's actually rather strange, sitting here and wondering what the heck I'm going to do now. I mean, how do you plan your life when one of the most important people in it lives in another country, thousands of miles away? For that matter what if a good half of the most important people in your life live far away, in other countries and other states, far enough that the most you're ever likely to get is a few brief meetings and too-good-to-be-true phone calls and a handful of emails you can print out when it's over to remind yourself what an idiot you were?
Cynical? Me? Of course not. Just... realistic. I'm worried about a lot of things, about my kitten, about my bard, about my friends, about my job, about my health... hell, at this point the only person I'm NOT worried about is my fiancee', which considering that he just got back from Vegas with his friend and #uckbuddy isn't too strange. He's doing just fine. *sigh*
I'm worried that I don't have what it takes to stick to this job, that even though I'm trying, sooner or later it's all going to fall apart on me and I'll be fired for absences or incompetence or laziness or for saying just the wrong thing.
I'm worried that I'll get pregnant again and loose it again or worse, keep it, which would be a very BAD plan because I couldn't take care of it, and I know it.
I'm worried that kitten will think this was all my fault, that all his problems are my fault, and that he'll hate me for it. I want to help him, not hurt him, but I don't know how to NOT hurt him, I don't know how to stop.
I'm worried that my health will keep me from life again... I'm worried that all of my problems are all in my head, that it's just my imagination, that there's nothing I will ever be able to do because it's just a bunch of psychoses.
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