Oddly enough, I'm not listening to this particular song. Not from lack of trying, but because the only version I've got is corrupt. Still, no matter what the winamp playlist is sitting on (Rest In Peace at the moment) this song and a couple others keep echoing somewhere deep inside. It's 12:02 according to the computer clock and I can't help wishing the entire day was a dream, that I'll wake up and it'll still be Tuesday. It's even worse than when Caleb leaves - at least when he left this time I knew he was coming back for OryCon next month. Now?

Now, I'm sitting here wondering why I feel as if my heart was ripped out and replaced with a hot coal and a silver-tongued serpent... "...if my heart could beat it would break my chest..."

You said that I was naive,
And I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
Oh but now I know that I was wrong, 'cuz I missed you.

I do miss him. Today is the only day I'm going to let myself grieve but if I don't have this one day I feel as if I'll burst into pieces and lay there, shattered, until the sun burns out.

It was wonderful. It was perfect. Neither is COMPLETELY accurate, since nothing is ever truly perfect and since reality with all its flaws was part of this last week. However, that said... it really was as close to perfect and as completely wonderful as was possible. I ache, knowing he's not here. I worry, not able to see him, not able to see ANY of my boys right now. Are they happy? Sad? Hurting? I don't know. I can't know. I feel as if I die a bit more each time they leave, whether it's for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, a few months...

You said, "I caught you 'cuz I want you and one day I'll let you go."
You try to give away a keeper,
or keep me 'cuz you know you're just so scared to lose.

I'm not letting them go. Not ever. Did you hear that, oh Fates and deities? NOT EVER. Mine. I love them. I desire them. I need them. I want them. I crave them. I adore them.

And I Will Not Let Them Go.

And you say, "Stay."

Kadin, I miss you. I hope you get back to Melfort safely. I love you.