Ahem.

Yeah, it would be great if I could take less than half the dosage I do. Then the pills would last a month. It'd be great if I ignored the pharmacist, the ER techs, my own body, and every scrap of information I can find online, took less than what worked, little enough that I might as well not take it at all, that sounds just GREAT.

What sounds better is getting the goddamned doctor to rewrite the scrip to a sane dosage.

When the pharmacist actually lectures you about taking TOO LITTLE, just maybe the dosage is wrong. When the medication DOESN'T WORK without doubling or tripling the number of pills, just maybe the dosage is wrong. When the walls move, words shift, when things keep skittering everywhere without the meds, or on the amount of medication the doctor ordered, but everything's FINE with a larger dose, just maybe the dosage is wrong.

I may look for the few bright sides to this, I may occasionally end up in silly-time while I'm hallucinating and think it's all great once or twice a month, but believe me, THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

So y'know what? You can keep your advice to yourself. You haven't been paying attention for months. You don't care enough to help me work through the hell of it enough to show up at game. You don't pay attention to it at all, to me at all, unless you think I'm interfering with your life in some way.

I wonder if you'll even read this.

I doubt it.

I doubt you.

I'm sorry it's turning out like this... I am. I wish it was back to how it started, how we started. I miss you. You aren't here any more... not really. You walk past and it's like I don't exist in your world any more.

*shrugs* So... poof. No more Jax. Just don't tell me you're surprised when I leave. Maybe, if you're willing to lie to me a bit more, you could tell me you'll miss me?

I'll miss you.