...yeah, old old old techno-ish stuff. There's a larger, very-TMI update before this one, if you're curious. If you're not, trust me, it's safe to avoid. Meanwhile, I'm going to listen to streaming radio, and write this, the sappy stuff. The bit where even if and when life sucks and I'm feeling frustrated and no one's on I still feel... kinda ok, y'know? Just because sooner or later, they will be there. I... meh. Yeah, I'm still feeling seriously depressed, still extremely shaky - I can't walk without nearly blacking out, it's not particularly fun - but I remember laying in bed with the sun shining in the window, looking at Caleb on one side of me and Kadin on the other side of me, thedamncat curled up on the foot of the bed, not even completely awake but so happy I could barely breathe for it. I remember looking up from a book to watch Ryan as he was playing one of the Metroid games, fascinated by his concentration, knowing that even though he was wrapped up in the game that every few minutes he would look over at me, and he'd smile just a bit. I remember looking over at Nick, and suddenly snuggling closer, amazed that he was even there at all, that I could touch him. I remember knocking on the door of Scott's place to have it opened and be swept up into a hug, feeling as if it would never stop, and thrilled at the feeling, being hugged and liking it, so safe, so warm, certain life was good. I remember walking down street after street with Angel, smoking, talking, or just walking, content to be breathing and to be alive. I remember the first time Torian and I talked over a phone... how breathless she sounded, how we were both a bit lost for words. I remember the first time I felt Amber kicking inside me. I remember watching my sister laughing at our dog Henry when he was being particularly cute. I remember Rie patting me on the head and telling me she thought I was utterly insane and liked me anyway. I remember kissing Alex. I remember talking for hours and hours with Caleb in tacky 24-hour diners about nothing and everything. I remember hearing awe in Radu's voice, not amusement or lust but honest desire and even joy. I remember licking Nreshan's skin and telling him, quite honestly, that he was delicious. I remember the first time I saw one of the housemice. I remember watching taped WWF episodes with Slash petting me, half-asleep, giggling my head off every few minutes at how silly they were. I remember... a lot, really. And if I've forgotten a lot, y'know, that's how it goes. If life hurts a lot, feels like awefulness more often than not sometimes, that's the price I pay for having had perfection.

I may never have it again. I may never have days where everyone is safe, where I feel like I own the world, where nothing hurts or goes wrong. I may only have moments, a few minutes every now and then... but I WILL have those moments, with people like this in my life how can I not?

I'll have moments like now, when I'm flooded with memories and I'm not crying, not wishing I could turn them off, not wanting to die from missing them... simply glad I had them, enjoying them again, about as happy as I can get right now.

I'll have techno music playing, I'll be sprawled somewhere comfortable, I'll want and crave and desire and miss and need but I'll also be so full of love that for a moment, just a moment, even all of the ache feels good. Sooner oer later, they WILL be here again. Sooner or later, new people will come into my life, and there will be new moments of wonder and amazement. Sooner or later, life will get it right, just for a few seconds, and I'll have another memory for the days when things aren't quite so right.

This is how I keep going. Drama and ranting and whining and bitching and hazy entries full of code that even I won't understand a day later... and this. The times I don't always write about. The times that matter.

You can't tell me life isn't worth living. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I wish it were going better. But I just saw two mice playing tag stop for a minute, nuzzle each other, and watch me for a minute as well, looking like they were just, y'know, stopping to say hi. Then off they went, falling over things again, and being unutterably cute. I can see the littlemouse burrowing. The techno is playing in my ears, flowing sweet. I've had days that can beat most other peoples' LIVES hollow.

I wish I could hold onto this mood forever; I know I can't, and that the next cramp that hits or craving that leaves me queasy and starving, or dizzy spell, or whatever, will drop me back down again. I may rant then, I may not. Doesn't really matter. I have this now.

...for tonight, the dreaming never ends...

For this moment, I am happy forever. Call it the up-side to a short attention span and crappy memory. The bad moments seem to last forever, to be overwhelming, but y'know? So do the good ones.

That's all I have to say right now.