*kicks winamp and sets it to playing "Lose Yourself", playlist prepped, the universe silenced in trade for the steady heart-ripping sounds that are what she needs to say this*

Because I'm not going to risk having Explorer eating this entry. Because I want to get it RIGHT.

Angel.

Been told that she doesn't mean anything, that she's overdone and overblown and just another insecure femme-goth-punk who doesn't even manage to go all the way with it. Been told she's no good for me, told she doesn't deserve me. Been told a lot of things about her, almost from Day One. I don't really believe most of it... or didn't, when I left the coast. I would have sworn that the universe DID revolve around her. *shrugs slowly* I believed in her.

Now? The people I trust most have told me over and over again that when she's around, when I talk to her online or meet her somewhere, even when I'm just thinking about her, I end up acting like someone they don't want to be around. I'm never quite sure how to respond to that. Part of me, the part that was me-growing-up and is now more or less the Responsible One, keeps insisting that no, I don't need her and she's not worth anything to me, certainly not worth my time. Another part, the one that I was when I was on the coast, the part of me that is insecure, uncertain, clinging desperately to the few things that are real... that part of me still believes that she's one of the few people worth knowing, that she's trustworthy, a friend.

There's a tiny bit of me off in some dark corner of my mind that insists that what I am, I am because of her... that if it wasn't for her company, her companionship, I would be on the coast still, or dead, or a score of other things that I dreaded then and still dread now. That part of me believes I belong to her.

It's wrong.

I've been dramatic about this for so long, it's hard to turn that off, to think clearly, without emotion getting all tangled up in it. Every time I think of her it's with a mix of horror, respect, desire, trust, fear... every emotion that she's ever brought out in me wrap themselves around my thoughts, drowning out any trace of rationality. I've said over and over again 'this is it, I'm over her' and been quite wrong. Even when I'm angry at how I've been treated, even when I am certain that I am not what she seems to see me as, even then I end up sooner or later thinking back on every good moment, on how much she did for me. 'S kind of like an odd crush. *blinks*

I spent a lot of the last few days thinking. I talked with Ryan about it a bit, but most of it's been just me, myself, and I alone in my head arguing it out. It's personal enough that it's hard to accept anyone else's opinions. It's important enough that I really don't trust those opinions, either. This is one of those decisions that I really hate making but refuse to turn over to anyone else, in the end.

My dear friend. I KNOW. More than you think I do. But I do not want to hurt you anymore. If...*sighs* if only.
The choice is yours my dear. You know what happens to those that get too close to me. If that risk is acceptable to you then I will yield. But I will not force this. I cannot.

Again with the drama. I think that I'm starting to see through it. I've got answers now, not a post in unsent letters, not a vague half-meant speech. Actual answers. The first one is 'no'.

No, I don't have any reason to do what she wants. I'm not responsible for her choices, nor do I have to follow her orders or even her requests.

No, I don't think that the good emotions I feel for her make up for the horrible way I feel afterward. Prostitution would bother me less.

No, I haven't forgotten. If anything, I've slightly enhanced my memories (although I don't think so, they're clear, the way only a few other memories are).

No, I don't think she has the powers or strength she tries to show. If anything, I'm finally figuring out that all the things I was worried about and unnerved by for years are no longer hers to use.

The next answer is 'not this time'.

Will I go out of my way for a chance to talk with her? Not this time. Will I do what she asks, no matter how inconvenient it might be? Not this time. Will I let her drag me down into the emotional pit I lived in for so long? Not this time.

Final answer: 'yes'.

Yes, I will miss her. Yes, I loved her. Yes, in my eyes she was one of the most beautiful people I knew. Yes, writing this hurts. Yes, it's about time I wrote this, stepped back, walked away. Yes, it frightens me. Yes, she frightens me.

Yes, I know that at this point, about the only way I would keep talking with her would be a situation I truly doubt she'd accept. Yes, I'm talking about a collar, and not on me.

Yes, I know what happens to those who get too close to her. She gets tired of them, bored, and throws them away... but if she thinks they're getting over her, nine times out of ten she sinks another hook in them, trying to make sure no one else gets them either.

Yes, I know she won't force this; it would be more accurate to say she can't force this.

Yes, I want to walk away. She's not worth serving, and not worth the respect I had for her, not worth my time, not worth my tears... and she's gotten a lot of those tears.

...if you had
one shot
one opportunity
to seize everything you ever wanted
one moment
could you capture it
or just let it slip...

This last week, her words, my feelings, the many times she's hidden things, each time she said she'd be here and didn't even bother calling when she realized she wouldn't, every memory, every thought... I can't help thinking that maybe this is just another 'fuck you' that I'll end up taking back. NOT gonna be.

...lose yourself in the music, the moment... ...you only get one shot...

Somehow, I think that this is my one shot. She doesn't know. A long time ago, I used to think she might actually be able to read my mind, considering how well she knew me and how much of what was going on in my head she picked up on.

...so here I go, it's my shot...

Not any more. It's almost horror-movie quality, the way everything is just a little bit off, just a little bit wrong, but keeps feeling like it's just about to turn nightmarish. (incidentally, "Lose Yourself" just got played again, winamp is occasionally very useful) When we were younger she was much of my world. Now she's just a bad dream. She's everything I try not to be, everything that makes me tremble or growl or just walk away.

I know she'll end up reading this sooner or later, so...

Angel, just to make this very clear: no. On Wednesday if you actually show up and come into town, come to the office-ish block on 102nd, just north of Burnside. There are a bunch of buildings (including a small pharmacy on the left front corner of the building you pass as you turn in) and if you drive back and to the right, you'll find a building to the right with an elevator shaft. On the door it says "Center For Environmental Medicine" or something like that. Go in the door, go upstairs and open the door on the left, and ask for me (my legal name, not my nickname). I'll have your book.

I'm not doing this any more, I'm tired. I've got a life that's not half bad, people who love me, people I love, a roof over my head, food in my stomach... there isn't anything you would be willing to give me that could make me ignore the problems or put up with the certainty that to you, I'm nothing more than one more disposable toy. If that was all I wanted, there's a score of other places to find it.

All along, I've wanted... well, you, basically. Attention, companionship, the knowledge that someone else was awake and aware and understanding. I still don't understand why it is I've put up with fragments every few months at best. I have no idea why I thought for so long that you were damn near a goth version of Mary Poppins. I have no clue as to why I end up crying when I think of you half the time, and turn into a stone-faced bitch the other half of the time. I don't know why I gave you so much more of my thoughts and energy and time than you were ever willing to give me.

I don't know why I loved you. It doesn't really matter.

If you don't make it on Wednesday, too bad.

*shrugs slowly, and pads off*

...Seemed like I'd gone off the side of a mountain
Couldn't be sure I was even alive
Fallen from the icy heights
Landed with a broken cry
In this valley of shadows and sorrow and sighs
Can you save me baby

Chorus

Nobody lives without love
Nobody gets to give up
You can try to lock your heart away
But love will come back for you some day
Nobody lives without love

Thought I could live out my life as a stranger
Hide from the heartbreak that love always brings
Make it to the higher ground
Try to turn the volume down
Couldn't stop the sirens from singing
Sing for me baby

Repeat Chorus

You came along like a flash of pure lightning
Crashed into my life like a runaway star
Feel myself falling like gravity's angel
Now I'm standing here offering a stranger my heart

Repeart Chorus

Seemed like I'd gone off the side of a mountain
Couldn't be sure I was even alive
Thought I could live my life as a stranger
Hide from the heart break that love always brings
Seemed like I'd gone off the side of a mountain
Couldn't be sure I was even alive...

Funny, this song always makes me think of her. It's one of the reasons I keep going back. KEPT going back. I'm not going to give my heart away for nothing more than a few emails and a pawful of insults. ...you can try to lock your heart away... and I am. When I give it, when I share it, it won't be with her.

I'm remembering all over again why it was I'd decided that being Domme is in so many ways healthier. *another shrug* Drama.

I'm going to go watch Ryan play Metroid and catch up on emails and journals. *blinks* Why the bloody hell is Winamp only playing the songs that remind me most of her?

Oh.

Yeah.

It's sentient and sarcastic and occasionally downright rude. *amused grin* Which is why I keep using it. It's got ~personality~.