Less than an hour from when I last wrote - I'm lurking on MSN in hopes of catching Caleb when he first wakes up but otherwise avoiding messenger programs for the most part. I really don't need to add more confusion or stress to my life, and the few people I actually WANT to talk to... technically two of them are online, but only one is able to respond and talk, and I'm a tad more interested in getting this crap out of my head and onto the page than I am in idle conversation.

If you've been following my journal for a while you should have grasped a couple of basics: I have multiple partners, they are all aware of each other and that I love them and miss them, my boys, every time they are away from my side.

I've been involved in a relationship where I wasn't the poly one, involved in a couple very strightforward things while I was still in my teens, and now I'm in what started out as a single relationship, added a slaveboy and a few distractions, then piled in two felines, one submissive most of the time, and one so very NOT submissive most of the time. Caleb is and will always be my primary partner - he has my promise that when we find the time and place and once I've got a decent dress (and hopefully a bunch of my friends to help with the handfasting as well) he and I will be married.

It looks so odd on a page.

I used to think, for a good 3-4 years, that there was no way in hell that I would actually get married... and now I'm sitting here waiting, counting days until I can do just that.

However, this wasn't going to be a marriage rant.

See, this is the first time that I have been immediately present with one of my boys' others - no, Scott, the one you're thinking of doesn't count - and it's taking me a bit longer to adjust than I thought. Part of that, of course, is just female jealousy, which I can FEEL draining out and away every time I see how happy she is with him. Part of that is that being sick-and-alone scares the crap out of me and because of that when I'm not feeling good I tend to be very posessive, and a seizure is about as sick as I EVER want to get. Part of it is the newness... when Caleb and I had fun with other people it was more of a shared thing, and stung much less because of that.

This is the thing that I am trying to achieve in my own relationships, this balance of power and shared enjoyment. I don't want to... what's the damned word? Argh... and this has been happening for the last day and a half at least, words just running away. If you could see me typing this you'd be shocked at how many times I had to backspace and replace because I couldn't remember the word I wanted. This is really REALLY getting to me.

Anyway.

The girl in question is lovely, graceful body and very bright eyes. I can completely understand falling for her, and that too seems to make this a bit easier. *wry grin* I'm jealous of both of them, not just him and not just her. Again, NOT a posessive thing - when I get posessive I don't necessarily pause to explain it, just drag my prey off by their hair or other convenient handles. It's more of a missing thing. In an ideal world, each of my boys would have at least one other partner they cared about and enjoyed, so that none of us would be bored or lonely. *wry grin*

Two f'ing long entries in one morning. Anyone want to bet on whether or not I make a third?

And we still need to buy groceries - somehow we got left behind on the last shopping trip and my cupboard at least is bare. I do not count cup-o-noodles and fish crackers as an acceptable meal for more than one day in a row.